


An Evening I Will Not Forget

by hipsbrokenhearts



Series: Blind Faith [2]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 2019-2020 NHL Season, 2020 Off Season, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Canon-Typical Behavior, Coming Out, Hockey Is For Everyone, Hockey Player Eric Staal, Hockey Player Jeff Skinner, Homophobic Language, IRL trades, Jokes about a daddy kink, M/M, Not really a daddy kink tho, Sadly, Supportive and inclusive nhl AU, happy endings, or maybe? We'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:40:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hipsbrokenhearts/pseuds/hipsbrokenhearts
Summary: If Jeff knows anything it’s this:Even the best kept secrets come out eventually.
Relationships: Jeff Skinner/Eric Staal
Series: Blind Faith [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023700
Comments: 50
Kudos: 76





	1. Wishing You Were Here Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise! The Jeff/Eric spinoff of my 1988 story “Pop Punk Pat” is here! 
> 
> For those of you who are just now joining us, know that this can be read as a stand alone, and will have no mention of PKane in it, but Jonny will be mentioned briefly throughout as a confidant of Jeff. Chapter 9 ‘Sweet Baby Jeff’ of “Pop Punk Pat” introduced Jeff into this little universe I’ve created, so check that out if you want a little more back story. 
> 
> This story takes place at the end of the 2019-2020 season, but know that because it takes place in a fictional world of my own creation, covid doesn’t exist. So there are no quarantines or bubbles but lots of made up stats and travel to games entirely fictional. 
> 
> Most important to note is that this piece does contain some homophobic language used by press members or players. I never want anyone to read anything that might trigger them, so please know this before reading this piece. Even though this is an element of the story, I am letting you know now *spoiler* that I only write happy endings! : ) 
> 
> I’ve been working on this story for months and am so excited to share it! Please enjoy! 
> 
> (Fic and chapter titles taken from Dermot Kennedy’s An Evening I Will Not Forget)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24TH, 2020 

BUFFALO, NY

Sweat dripped off his curls, dripping down onto his cheek, as he sat back in his stall, internally prepping himself for the post game press. After the last few days, the last thing Jeff wanted to do was speak to a member of the media, especially after a loss, but he didn’t have a choice. He was one of the faces of this franchise and after his last presser, he knew he’d be getting pulled for press even more than usual. 

“Tough game tonight, ehh Jeff?” Paul, one of the kinder reporters on the Buffalo beat, asked. Jeff had always liked him for it. 

Jeff chuckled lightly, “Yeah, I’d say so, Paul.” 

“What do you think was the difference in that first period tonight?” The new woman, Leigh, from The Athletic asked. 

“Well,” Jeff paused, pulling down on the neck of the hoodie he was wearing. “Well, we gave them too much. And, uhh, we had some big saves in the first- thanks to our goalie- and that kept us in it until we were able to establish our game and get back in the race, but, you know, obviously when you give a team that big of a lead it’s tough to come back.” 

“What do you think led to that change in the second period?” 

“We were really looking for a spark to turn the tide there in the first. When Jack got that close one at the end of the first I think, I think that left us hopeful before going down the tunnel. Then Montour got that one in the opening minute and that was the other spark we needed.” 

“Passes in the first period weren’t connecting, but passes looked a little crisper as the game moved on.” 

Jeff waited a beat to see if this reporter, one he hadn’t seen before, was going to end that statement with a question, but when none came, he just scratched the curls on the back of his neck before responding. “Execution is a big part of the game. They had some pressure on us in the first, so uhhh it made it tough on us to make plays. And, uhh, they were able to feed off of that. Once we got on our game we were able to settle in and get back to executing.” 

Jeff looked up and noticed that there was more reporters than usual here tonight, probably flown in from who knows where to catch a clip of him speaking, but so many strangers surrounding him left him suddenly unnerved. He was already on edge as it was, and this wasn’t helping.

“We’ve been noticing that maybe you’re putting more pressure on yourself to get results. Do you think that’s the case? With the scoring drought and… well… how do you manage that situation?” Another new face asked. 

“I think you always put pressure on yourself. You have to be competitive to make it to this level, and once you get here, well, it’s the NHL. It’s the best and toughest league there is. And uhh, all guys, myself included, you put pressure on yourself to produce. To help the team win.” 

Yanking on the collar of his hoodie again he continued on, “Obviously, I know my role in helping the team win. Producing offensively is one of those things. And, I, I haven’t been doing it so you just have to, you just have to work through it and try to help the team win as best you can until things turn around.” 

“Is that when you lean on experience? To help you through those moments?” Leigh asked. 

“Yeah. I may not have gone through a rut quite like this before, but it helps to think about those previous experiences. And, uhh, physically, and, you know, mentally, you think of what you need to change and what you need to do to get back on top of it.” 

“Have you ever slept with a teammate?” 

Jeff snapped his head up so quick he thought he was going to get whiplash. This reporter, another new face he’d never seen before, couldn’t have possibly just said what Jeff thinks he heard. 

“Jeff, don’t answer that,” Paul said. 

“You need to leave,” Leigh said, making her way over to one of the security guards. 

But Jeff couldn’t just walk away. He was frozen, stuck, with mics surrounding him and cameras most likely broadcasting this whole humiliating moment live. He knew he should be prepared for moments like this, for questions like this, but in this moment, when it was actually happening, he realized there was nothing that could have prepared him for this. 

“Have you ever slept with a reporter?” Jeff asked, flatly. 

The reporters eyes grew big and round before he started sputtering out, “Well, I don’t think that’s--” 

“Relevant?” Jeff finished for him. He had had enough. Maybe if they hadn’t just lost, again, maybe if they weren’t always fucking last, maybe if Eric was actually talking to him right now, and maybe if his whole world wasn’t upside fucking down Jeff would have been able to stop his next words from tumbling out. But, there was nothing stopping him from continuing on, so he said, “Exactly. It doesn't have anything to do with how I do my job. It hasn’t affected the outcome of any game I’ve ever played, in Carolina or Buffalo, last season, my first season, or this season. Last week, tonight, or the game last Thursday. It doesn’t matter. My sexuality has nothing to do with it.”

Jeff shook his head. He was furious with this dumb fucking reporter, with his season, and with everything else, and it was taking everything in him not to jump up and storm out of the room. He knew if he did, that it would just make everything that much worse. So, instead, as the reporters gaped open mouthed at him, he just added, “Thank you, I won’t be taking any more questions on the matter.” 

Every single one of the reporters just stood there stunned, mics still extended, cameras still on, before Simmons, with a not so polite stare, encouraged them to leave. 

As the locker room cleared of all media personnel, Jeff took a deep breath and let his head drop. 

“Jeff?” Eichel said, as he placed a hand on top of Jeff’s shaking clasped ones trying to still them.

Jeff ripped his hands away, not wanting to be coddled. He got up and grabbed his bag, ready to get out of here and be alone. 

“What?” Jeff asked as he threw his clothes in his bag. He was ready to be done with this whole night, that fucking terrible game they just played against Ottawa, and any and everything that had to do with the press afterward. He was tired and just wanted to be left alone. 

“You okay, Skinny?” Eichel asked. 

Jeff just laughed. He couldn’t be further from okay. His whole life was falling apart and Jack wanted to know if he was okay? He didn’t know if he’d ever be okay again. 

He finished packing up his gear bag and zipped it up before throwing a “Just fine, Jack. I’ll see you tomorrow,” over his shoulder as he left the locker room. 

Jeff didn't have time to make anyone else feel better about Jeff’s current situation. They didn’t even know the half of it anyway. 

On the silent drive home to his condo that night, as the lights of downtown Buffalo blurred past him, Jeff couldn’t stop thinking that he’d made a huge fucking mistake.


	2. Deep Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being shut out in Chicago, Jeff and the rest of the Sabres make their way to Minnesota to try to get their central division road trip off the ground. Jeff has more than two points in mind as he prepares for that night’s game.

THURSDAY FEBRUARY 20TH  
SAINT PAUL, MN  
FOUR DAYS AGO 

“Skins?” Jack said, like he’d had to repeat himself more than once already and he was getting tired of it. 

Jeff shook his head, trying to get the conversation he’d had with Toews out of his mind, and gave Jack an apologetic smile. 

“Sorry Eichs, got lost there for a second. What’s up?” 

“Just thought you might want to head out and get lunch. Maybe take a nap. You know, routines?” Jack gestured to all the empty stalls surrounding them. “Wasn’t sure if you were just going to stay here until the game tonight.” Jack said it with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood, but Jeff could see the concern he tried to hide in his eyes.

Jeff could feel his cheeks heating up, embarrassed he’d been so obvious about being so distracted that he hadn’t even noticed everyone leaving. If he was being honest with himself, and Jack, he didn’t really remember anything about their pregame skate at all actually, he was so distracted about dinner the other night and what might happen at dinner tonight. 

But, Jeff reminded himself, he was never really honest with Jack. Not really. Even though Jeff knew that Jack was starting to see through his daily act. What went down with Toews and his whatever he had with Eric wasn’t Jack’s concern. Jack didn’t know about any of that, and Jeff wanted to keep it that way. 

That’s why he was in Buffalo in the first place, wasn't it? To start fresh where no one knew anything. But part of that was to prevent anyone from asking questions, and lately that’s all Jack does. 

Jeff knew he was doing it again, thinking for too long and not actually saying anything, and he knew Jack deserved better than that. The last thing Jack needed to deal with was Jeff when the team, and their season, was already falling down around them. He had enough to worry about. 

“Where are we going for lunch?” Jeff asked, glad to realize he was already packed, changed, and ready to go. Fuck, he really was out of it. 

Jack, kinder than Jeff deserved right now, ignored all of his previous weirdness and said, “I don’t know, but you’re buying.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Jeff said, laughing as they left the visitors locker room. 

***

Jeff knew, rationally, that he needed to take his pregame nap. It was part of his routine and it made him a better player. But it was like the second he parted ways with Eichs his brain rebooted and all the worry and stress he had about tonight came rushing back to him. 

It didn’t help that his mind wasn’t ready to let go of the conversation he’d had with Toews. 

Jeff pulled the curtains closed tighter, and adjusted the air. He needed this nap. His body honestly needed to rest after all the travel and the constant games. At this point in the season, rest was a luxury he had to take advantage of. 

Knowing this didn’t help him sleep though. It seemed like nothing would. Jeff tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, but in no position could he make his mind rest. Instead of shutting out the memories, for once, Jeff allowed them to come, hoping that this would finally ease his mind. 

Jeff had known it was a risk, going to dinner to thank Toews for reporting the slurs Manning had been throwing out on the ice, but Jeff felt compelled to. Jonny had done so much for their community, and even if no one knew Jeff was a part of it, it didn’t mean he didn’t benefit from it. 

Jeff didn’t feel like it was _that_ big of a risk though, since he knew Toews knew about him. Him and Eric. He had for years and never said a word. Not to Jeff. Not to Eric. And not to anyone in the press or anyone in the front office. Jeff respected him for that, and he wanted to repay it in some way. Thanking him over dinner seemed like the best way. 

As Jeff settled more comfortably into the pillows, he felt himself transporting back to Chicago, right back to the steakhouse with Toews’ shark eyes turned kind as they cataloged Jeff from across the table.

Toews was looking way too concerned for Jeff, and that, paired with his constant worrying questions about Jeff’s wellbeing made him confess things he didn’t know were eating him up inside. 

_”Just, it’s been hard. Playing a part 24/7. I’m putting on an act all the time. In the locker room, on the ice, even in the summers. I haven’t even told my family. I just can’t tell anyone.”_

The more Jeff thought about it, the lonelier he felt about his situation. It’d been like this for years now, but that didn’t make him feel any better about it. He only felt worse when he saw Toews trying to conceal his shock as he asked how many people actually knew Jeff’s secret. 

_“I’d say less than five people. A couple guys from Juniors, you, and Eric.”_

He’d been reluctant to admit it, but had wanted to be truthful, so he had added, _“Some other people too, put they were, ... ummmm... paid... and signed NDAs so they wouldn’t say anything.”_

Jeff wasn’t embarrassed he had paid for company before -or maybe he was and hadn’t come to terms with it- but he knew he was embarrassed about sharing this much of his personal life with Toews. It’s one thing to talk about his sexual orientation, it’s another to be talking about paying strangers for sex.

But, It’s not like he was wandering through downtowns and getting it in cars. Not that people couldn’t do that, but, just, it was all very professional for Jeff. In hotel rooms with NDAs ready. It was a simple transaction really. Companionship for money, and Jeff had thought it worth every penny. He had needed it after Eric left and everything was so quiet and cold and just wrong. 

Jeff had felt like something was missing, and he had tried desperately to find it. But no amount of blondes could do the trick, none of them were actually Eric, and once Jeff realized that, the whole idea of being with anyone that wasn’t Eric made him sick. So, it’d been just Jeff for a while now. 

Toews hadn’t stopped asking if Jeff was okay, wording it in more ways than Jeff could have imagined, and, well, Jeff understood why Toews was a captain. He was a leader, on and off the ice no doubt, but he also genuinely cared for people and wouldn’t let the truth be sidelined. 

Jeff both loved and hated that about him.

So, he’d told him, _“Well, it’s been hard. For sure. These last few years. But I’ve finally been feeling like me again these last few months. For a long time I hadn’t, and it’s just been nice to get back to that feeling.”_

But the more Jeff thought about it, the more he realized that wasn’t actually true. He wasn’t feeling better, if this point drought and lack of sleep was anything to go off of, he’d just gotten used to feeling this way. Sure, he was growing more with the team and loved spending time with Eichs and the guys. It's not like it's all bad, but he just wasn’t happy. He didn’t know if that would change even if the team was doing better. It seemed more to do with him than with anything else. Jeff knew himself well enough to admit that he cared about what people thought about him, and that weighed on him heavily. 

Talking about Eric though, with someone who wasn’t, well, Eric, was strangely freeing. The fucking rush he felt talking about loving Eric was indescribable, and maybe that’s what all this was really about. For a few minutes, he felt free, even if he was talking about how they ended. 

_“We weren’t able to be together every day like we used to, and it’s different when you are physically in the same place. Phone calls just weren’t enough, and soon enough the phone calls stopped coming all together. By the time he was in Minnesota, it was over.”_

But it hadn’t really been over. It wasn’t really over. Jeff knew that deep down, and he guessed Toews did too after Jeff spilled his heart out all over the table. 

_“Maybe when he retires… I’m not sure. Sometimes I still think about it. Honestly, I still think about him a lot. Even though it’s been years. I’ve never felt that with someone else.”_

Not a day has gone by since Jeff met Eric that he hasn’t woken up thinking about him. Or fallen asleep with his name on his lips. He didn’t think distance or time would ever change that. It’d been years and they’ve spent so many miles apart and it’s changed nothing.

Toews, ever the problem solver, couldn’t understand why Jeff didn’t just tell Eric this. But he hadn’t been there. He wasn’t the one waiting up all night waiting for a phone call that wasn’t going to come. He didn’t have to wake up to the ‘sorry, out with the boys’ or ‘can’t talk, not alone’ texts before the texts stopped coming altogether. It had made Jeff so, so tired. 

So Jeff just accepted what Eric gave him, and they settled into a new routine. Two dinners a season, that was what Jeff was allotted and what he gladly accepted. It was like he told Toews, _“After we play each other, we’ll usually grab dinner and everything for old times’ sake, but we don’t really talk about anything real. Definitely nothing about us or the past.”_

And that’s, Jeff finally realized, what’s bothering him so much. It’s why he can’t sleep. Because one of those dinners is tonight, and for the first time Jeff isn’t excited about it. He doesn’t know if he can sit through another dinner of talking about everything but them. 

Jeff loves Eric. 

Time and distance haven’t and won’t change that. 

He still loves Eric, and is so very tired of pretending he doesn’t.


	3. Lights Went Out, You Were Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff spends a good amount of time breaking everything within arm’s reach.  
> Jack is witness to a breakthrough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up! This story is nonlinear and jumps between different days (and maybe years 👀). I’ll do my best to make these jumps as obvious as possible by putting the date at the beginning of each chapter. For those of you who have been following along, chapter one was on Monday 2/24, chapter 2 was on Thursday 2/20, and this chapter is on Tuesday 2/25. Hopefully this isn’t too confusing!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2020  
BUFFALO, NY 

“JEFF, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!” 

Jack’s muffled voice carried through the front door of his condo, through the living room and past the kitchen, to make its way into Jeff’s room only for him to turn his back to the door and snuggle tighter into his blankets. 

Jeff did not want to be disturbed. He already felt like everyone was figuratively beating down his door and Jack actually doing just that wasn’t helping. 

He had thought this last weekend would have been a freeing experience and that all the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders would have lifted and faded like smoke. 

That was not the case.

Instead, he felt like all his worst fears about being his authentic self were coming true. 

“JEFF! SERIOUSLY?! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! I LITERALLY JUST SAW YOUR CAR IN THE GARAGE.”

Jeff reached out and clumsily patted down his nightstand in search of the remote. It didn’t sound like Jack was leaving any time soon, so he thought he might as well be up for the day if he couldn’t sleep in peace. It was an off day, and Jeff wanted nothing more than to spend it alone, in bed, by himself, with no interruptions from the outside world. 

If only Jack would go away. 

After finding the remote, Jeff started scrolling through Netflix to put something on. Anything was better than Jack’s continuous knocking and incessant pleas to be let in. He selected criminal minds and laid back down. Morgan and Reid’s voices filled the room and replaced Jack’s. 

Perfect. 

Jeff decided sitting up shouldn’t happen for a few more hours, so he laid back down and closed his eyes. This was much, much better. 

“Seriously?” Jack asked. This time though, he wasn’t yelling, and this time his voice wasn’t muffled. He sounded like he was in the room with him, and actually…

“What the fuck?!” Jeff yelled, as he whipped around and found Jack in his bedroom doorway. 

“I could say the same to you,” Jack replied, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“You just broke into my condo!” Jeff said, exasperated. 

“You weren’t answering the door!”

“Yes, and what do you think that means? It means I don’t want to see anyone!”

“You weren’t answering your phone!”

“Yes, Jack, that’s because it’s off.” 

“You weren’t answering your phone, and you weren’t answering the door. I needed to know if you were okay! I didn’t know if something had happened, if you had done something.” 

Jeff rolled his eyes, “Jack, I appreciate the concern, but that would never happen. I’m fine.”

“Oh, yes, you look totally fine.” Jack made a dramatic show of looking around Jeff’s room, which Jeff thought completely unnecessary, before walking into the room, grabbing the remote off the nightstand, and pausing the tv before returning to the doorway.

“Jack,” Jeff said, trying to reason with him. 

“It’s noon, you are sitting in complete darkness with no light on but the tv, and you have cookie crumbs and wrappers all over the fucking floor and bed. Yeah, you sure are the fucking picture of perfect health. Everything about you is just screaming ‘I’m fine’.”

Jeff looked around the room, and was more or less in agreement with Jack’s evaluation of things. He unconsciously brushed crumbs off his chest as he felt a little something like gratitude that Jack didn’t mention the bottles of liquor resting beside the remote on the nightstand. 

“I just want to be left alone.”

“Yeah, I got that.” 

Jeff huffed out a breath and crossed his arms, leaning back against his bed frame. “Obviously not, because you are here, breaking into my condo.”

Jack tentatively moved toward Jeff’s bed, hands out like he was approaching a wild animal, and when Jack deemed that Jeff wasn’t going to attack, he sat on the edge of the bed. 

“We already went over that.”

“Yes, I gave you that key for emergencies, not to just come in whenever--” 

“This was an emergency!” Jack said, his voice raising again before taking a deep breath and calmly continuing on. “This was a welfare check, Jeff. No, don’t give me that look, I’m serious. No one had heard from you since last night’s game. We were concerned.”

“We?” Jeff asked, dejected. He knew there was no way Jack was just going to get up and go now, so he settled in, ready to get this conversation over with. 

“Yeah, the whole team is worried about you. Well, really, more than the team. Toews has been texting me nonstop, threatening to get on a plane to come check on you, and a lot of the Carolina guys have too. Jordy said you need to text him back. Like now. I mean, almost every guy on the roaster wanted to join me on this little check in, but I told them no. I know you want to be left alone, but we were concerned.”

Jack reached out and placed a hand on Jeff’s blanket covered foot. “I know things are crazy right now, and that maybe they aren’t really going in the direction you hoped, and I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through and the courage it took to do it. But, I need to make sure you are okay.” 

Jeff shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m managing, Jack. Okay? I’m holding on.” What Jeff didn’t want to admit out loud was that he was feeling just a little bit better since Jack arrived.

“I just want you to know that these last few days haven’t changed how I feel about you,” Jack said sincerely. His sincerity made Jeff laugh. 

“Dude,” Jeff said, trying to wipe the smile off his face.

“What? Let me finish. It’s not like this shit is easy.” Jeff watched Jack’s shoulders readjust under the collar of his shirt before continuing on, “You’re more than just a teammate or a linesmate, Jeff. You are one of my best friends, and it kills me to think you’ve been so unhappy for so long and that I wasn’t there for you. I just want you to know that I’m here. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but if you want to talk I’m down. Know that.”

Jeff was shocked by the sincerity of his words, and Jack’s emotional display, since he usually wasn’t phased by anything. Jeff knew Jack was here because he cared, not because he wanted to annoy the fuck out of him (even though he was kind of doing both right now.) It was nice to hear and Jeff let his walls finally come down as he conceited to Jack. 

“Fine. You can stay. But you have to buy lunch, I’m starving.” 

“I’d be happy to,” Jack said, moving closer. 

“Move, I’m sitting next to you.”

“Ugh,” Jeff said, scooting over to the left side of the bed instead of sitting dead center. 

“You aren’t like…?” Jack asked, cheeks blooming red.

“Aren’t what?” Jeff asked, genuinely confused.

“Like, you know, naked?” Jack coughed out.

Jeff looked down confused, and saw that he wasn’t wearing a shirt and that his comforter was laying low on his hips. For the second time that day Jeff laughed. 

“First of all, this is my house and my bed and I can be naked if I want to. Secondly, I’m wearing boxers, dumbass. Third, don’t flatter yourself. You aren’t my type.” 

“Hey!” Jack said, in mock protest, laughing as he slid in next to Jeff. 

“You look like Harry on Home Alone, dude.”

“Whoa! That is so not cool!”

“What?! I’m just saying! You know it’s true.” 

“Whatever, see if I buy you lunch…” Jack mumbled. 

Jeff just laughed before reaching over Jack and grabbing the remote to start the show again.

“For a second there I thought you were saying you caught feelings.” 

“Huh?” Jack asked, looking up from his phone. 

Jeff put a hand on Jack’s thigh and in his most Jack-like voice he said, “You’re more than just a teammate to me, Jeff.” 

Jack brushed Jeff’s hand off and scoffed. “Oh, shut the fuck up! I was being serious!” 

Jeff cackled, head thrown back, before he snuggled up to Eichs. 

“Love you too, bud.” 

***

“What is this place called again?”

“Phoenix.” 

“That doesn’t sound familiar at all. Can we just go back home now?” Jeff asked from the passenger seat of Jack’s car. Jeff wasn’t sure how, but Jack had somehow gotten him out of the house and in the car. It might have been the pizza he was promised, but Jeff was really regretting leaving now. 

Jeff really didn’t want to see anyone. He looked kind of horrible, because dressing like shit was another way Jeff had tried to get Jack to let him stay home. Apparently a red ratty sweatshirt and bright purple sweatpants a size or two too big had no effect on Jack. Jeff should have realized that from Jack’s suits this season, but it was too late.

Jack looked dismissively over at Jeff before looking back at the road. “We’ve been at your place all day, you need to get out. Besides, no one else will be there.”

“Then why are we going?” Jeff groaned.

“You’ll see! Now shut up until we get there, you’re annoying me.” 

Jeff slumped against the passenger side window and watched as Jack drove them through downtown Buffalo. Even with everything on his mind, Jeff could admit that the city looked nice with all the snow and the city lights. It was oddly peaceful knowing that even when everything in his own life was rapidly changing, Buffalo itself stood strong, unmoving. It was reassuring that some things were the same as they’d always been, unaffected by decisions he made.

“Hey, Jeff?” Jack asked, not even a few minutes later.

“I thought you wanted me to shut up,” Jeff mumbled to the window.

“Dude.”

Jeff turned and faced Jack, “What is it? Did you run out of gas again? Because I am not pushing or walking to some gas station in the snow. I’m getting a lyft.”

“That was one time! But no, we aren’t out of gas. Jesus. I, ummm, well, I wanted to ask you about something.” 

Jeff squinted his eyes, not liking the nervous tone Jack had switched to or the way he was rubbing at the back of his neck.

“What is it?” Jeff asked.

“First, promise me you won’t get mad, okay?”

“I’m not promising that.” 

“Jeff, seriously?”

“Fine.”

“And you don’t have to answer, like, at all. It’s just. Well, I just wanted to ask. And you don’t have to say names or who or anything like that. But, yeah. I just-”

“Just ask before you hurt yourself, Eichs,” Jeff said. 

“Have you ever slept with a teammate before?” Jack’s gaze cut to Jeff, and, after seeing the look on his face, he continued on in a rush. “I know, I know I shouldn’t be asking. But the way you responded to that reporter last night, I didn't know if it was just because you were insulted by the idea, or if maybe, it, you know, touched on something for you.”

Jeff watched Jack’s hands strum against the steering wheel, pace picking up speed the longer they sat in silence. He was caught by surprise by Jack’s question, which in itself was surprising that he thought Jack wouldn’t be interested in knowing those kinds of things. Curiosity was normal he reasoned, and since Jeff had been holding back on pretty much everyone for a long time, it was normal that people would be extra curious. 

But, Jeff didn’t know, really, if he wanted Jack to know about Eric, since things between them were best described as rocky right now, if Jeff was putting it nicely. At the same time though, Jeff wanted someone to talk to about this stuff. That was part of the reason he publicly came out after all, so that he wouldn’t feel so alone anymore. Before Jeff could make up his mind either way though, Jack decided to interrupt Jeff’s thoughts and the tense silence that filled the car. 

“I’m so sorry, Jeff. I shouldn’t have said anything, really. Honestly, just forget I-”

“Yes,” Jeff said, looking Eichs right in the eye before turning back to the window.

“Cool,” Jack said, clearing his throat, “That’s… cool.” 

***

“So, I’m just supposed to what, ruin everything?” Jeff asked, looking around a little wide eyed. 

“Yeah, dude. That’s the whole point,” Jack said, nodding his head encouragingly. 

“And the point is…?” Jeff trailed off, making Jack explain this whole place one more time.

“It’s like, a healthy way to let out your emotions. People come to Phoenix to let off steam when they are stressed. Haven’t you ever wanted to just take a bat to someone's car or throw a plate at the wall? Well, here you can. And it’s like, safe, obviously.”

“So, you pay to break things you don’t get to keep.”

Jack shook his head exacerbated, looking up to the sky for guidance before explaining, in the calmest voice he could muster, “You aren’t paying for _things_ , Jeff. You are paying for the _experience._ You are paying for stress relief. So, yeah, you break, ruin, destroy, whatever you want to call it, all this stuff, but from the, uhh, you know, ashes, you become a new, better you. Like a Phoenix, hence the name.” 

Jeff walked over to the wall, finger idly tracing some of the knives, bats, hammers, and even swords that hung on the wall, all ready to be picked and used. 

“How did you even find out about this place?” Jeff asked.

“Hutton, man. He actually told me about it a while back, saying he had a standing appointment here once a month and that I should try it out. I never got around to it, but I thought this might be the perfect thing for you right now.” 

“Goalies are fucking weird.”

“Fuck yeah they are,” Jack said. “Now, come on! Why don’t we start with something easy? We can start with the plates. That’s easy enough.” 

Jeff followed Jack back to the kitchen room of the facility. The whole place was designed to look like the inside of a house. There was the kitchen, a dining room, two living rooms, a game room, a couple of bed rooms, and a garage. Besides the receptionist area they saw when they walked in, if Jeff didn’t know any better, he would have believed that they had gone into someone's actual house.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Jeff replied, still a little unsure about the whole thing.

Jack handed Jeff some ear plugs and some work gloves, and Jeff dutifully put them on. Once they were both ready to go, Jack gave a thumbs up and opened up one of the kitchen cabinets, motioning for Jeff to pick something out. 

Jeff picked up a nondescript cream salad plate and half heartedly threw it towards the far wall. It crashed against the wall and fell to the floor with little more than a thump. 

Jack nudged Jeff’s shoulder and motioned for him to take his ear plugs out. Jeff did, and then instantly regretted it. 

“No no no no no. That fucking sucked, dude. You weren’t even trying.”

“Yes, I was.”

Jack gave Jeff a hard look. “No, you weren’t. That plate almost didn’t break, your throw was so soft. I want you to try again and actually mean it.”

“This is stupid. It won’t change--”

“Just try,” Jack said, placing a hand on Jeff’s shoulder, “For me. I know this might seem a little weird, but Hutton swears by it. I mean, it's not like this is going to make you feel any worse, you might as well see if it will make you feel any better.” 

“So inspiring,” Jeff said, rolling his eyes.

“Just try again,” Jack said, handing him another plate.

Jeff accepted the plate and then put his ear plugs in again. This time, Jeff threw the plate at the kitchen table, but there was so little force behind it that it bounced off the table and didn’t shatter until it hit the kitchen floor.

Jeff didn’t need to remove his ear plugs to hear Jack’s annoyed reaction. 

“Stop being so fucking canadian! I know you love being sweet innocent Jeff and all that bull shit but the cameras aren’t here, Jeff.” Jack motioned around the room before continuing, “You need to stop hiding your emotions and bottling them up inside. It isn’t healthy. Look at yourself right now. You are fucking miserable and don’t even say you aren’t. Like, your life is complete shit right now, you know this, I know this, I’m pretty sure everyone knows this, but it isn’t going to get any better by pretending that nothing is wrong.”

“I’m not pretending that nothing is wrong,” Jeff interjected.

“Well, you could have fooled me. I guess if you are actually acknowledging what’s happening, then you just aren’t willing to fight for yourself then. What you did this weekend took courage. So much courage, man. I’m not talking about hockey courage, but like actual real life courage. I know you have it in you. So, don’t give up the fight now. You are in charge of what happens to you now. Not the media, or the league, or even me. You get to decide what you want. Are you going to stand up for yourself or get steam rolled?” 

“It’s fucking plates, Jack. It isn’t that deep.”

“I need you to acknowledge what’s happening. You need to let yourself feel that anger and that sadness that you’ve probably been carrying and hiding for a very long time now. It’s time to stop hiding and let yourself feel that emotion. That’s the only way you’re going to feel any better.”

“And breaking plates is going to fix me?” Jeff said, crossing his arms.

“It’s not going to ‘fix you.’ It’s the first step of you finally letting out all that pent up anger.” 

Jack turned to the row of cabinets at their backs and opened them up until he found what he was looking for. “It’s becoming pretty fucking apparent that you don’t know what you are doing, so, here, watch me.”

Jack picked up one of the whiskey glasses, spun it around in his hand a few times, and then threw it straight into the kitchen sink. It instantly shattered, and the bottom of the sink was littered with glass.

“See?” Jack said, picking up another glass and throwing it into the sink. Jeff watched Jack do this, again and again, before Jack started in again. “Do you think I’m not fucking stressed? I mean, obviously I don’t have as much as you do going on at the moment, but I’m still fucking stressed. It sucks being the face of a franchise that constantly sucks. It sucks watching all your friends go to the playoffs year after year while you’re watching from the couch instead of the bench. And you know what? I’m pissed and I’m stressed and I’m so fucking tired of it all. But throwing these shitty glasses at the sink makes me feel a tiny bit better. So,” Jack said, wiping a hand across his forehead, “Maybe now you can give it a try.” 

Jeff knew that Jack was right about all of it, and that Jeff was just being stubborn. But, it was hard letting go after years and years of locking everything up inside. He prided himself on the reputation he had earned up to this point. No one thought of him as shifty or moody, or anything else like that. He’d always been laughing, always been one of the guys, and always had a smile on his face. That wasn’t a lie, that was who Jeff really was. He loved being with the guys and playing in front of thousands of fans. But, that was only part of who Jeff was. And Jeff, like Jack, was tired. He was tired of hiding. This past weekend proved that. But he was also so fucking angry. Angry that he lived in a world that he wasn’t sure accepted him. Angry that he felt his place in it was slipping through his fingers. And so so so fucking angry at Eric, for making Jeff believe that he was the only one in this. Maybe Eric could pretend that nothing ever happened, but Jeff couldn’t. It fucking pissed him off that the man he loved was the one who made him feel the most alone. 

So, Jeff picked up another plate. This time he threw it straight at the ground and it shattered. And you know what, it felt really fucking good. Jeff got another plate and threw it in the sink. He got a bowl and threw it against the backsplash. He pulled out the drawers and found the silverware and dumped that all on the floor.

“You were right,” Jeff said, looking back up at Jack. 

Eichs smiled, ear to ear, and said, “Let’s go to the garage next.” 

So, Jeff followed Jack to the garage, and, with a bat and a sledge hammer, they totaled a couple of cars. They went through every room of the house breaking everything in sight. Feathers and glass and stuffing from upholstered furniture fell to the floor and coated the ground like a fresh sheet of snow in February. 

Maybe it didn’t solve all their problems, but, even if it was just for a moment, it made them feel so much better. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jack asked, picking some of the feathers from the bedroom pillows off his shirt. They were in one of the living rooms, having already smashed the flat screen, ripped it off the wall, broken the couple of vases, and took a hammer to the coffee table. The velvet couch they were catching their breath on was still pretty comfortable, even with some of the stuffing spilling out onto the floor.

“You’re referring to what this time?” Jeff asked, leaning back into his seat.

“What this is really about. This is about Eric, isn’t it?”

“Eric?” Jeff asked, eyes shifting from Jack’s face to his purple sweatpants and back. “Eric has nothing to do with this. Why would you think that?”

“Because you were on edge all last week and then after the game in Minnesota, and your dinner with Eric, you woke up the next day and decided to throw caution to the wind and do that article.” 

Jack had him there. He really did. And Jeff hadn’t thought about it before, but now it was really fucking obvious. Still, Jeff felt the need to protect Eric. The only way he knew how to do that was to lie, even if Jeff thought Eric didn’t really need protection from Jack.

“It’s not what you think,” Jeff said, even though it was exactly what Jack thought. “Eric’s not…”  
Jeff shook his head.

“Okay… not Eric,” Jack said skeptically, “But a guy, right?” 

“Why do you think there’s a guy?”

“Because there’s always a guy. Or girl.”

“Yeah,” Jeff admitted.

“So, this guy, Not Eric, then.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve got it pretty bad, huh?”

Jeff shook his head before looking back at Jack. “I’ve had it bad for almost a decade now.”

“Jeff.”

“Yeah?” Jeff said resigned. 

“Has it ever… Well, gone anywhere? Were you ever together? Or, has it been pining like this the whole time?” Jack spoke softly, like if he spoke too loudly Jeff would break like everything else in the room.

Feeling lighter than he had in years from the last hour’s activities, Jeff just laughed at the absurdity of it all. Jack had no clue about any of it, and, no longer feeling the need to hide it any longer he said, “We were together for five years. Then he was just gone. He left, and I was left behind.”

“He just left? Dude, that’s not cool. Like, at all.”

Even though what Jeff had said had been true, it didn’t feel fair to Eric to say it. It wasn’t like Eric had just woken up and decided to leave. “To be fair, it wasn’t really his choice to go. He was tr-” Jeff broke off before he could finish that statement. It was too obvious. “He, ummmm, had to move for work.”

“Dude.” Jack looked at him flatly. Jeff was shit at lying, you’d think he’d be great at it after the years and years of practice he’s had, but it seems like his ability to lie left him the second he sat down to do that article. Besides, it’s not like Jack was going to tell anyone, he might as well be honest.

“Fine. He was traded. So, it wasn’t like he asked to leave, but he’s the one who didn’t try.”

“Why didn’t he?”

“He cared more about what would happen if we got caught than staying together.”

Jack didn’t have anything to say to that and Jeff didn’t really feel the need to explain further, so he picked at the frays on the arm of the couch instead. Jeff thought Jack was just going to leave it at that, but apparently, Jack was full of unsolicited advice, and maybe some actual insight, today. 

“Or, maybe he thought protecting you was what was most important. I figure it was really hard to have a secret relationship when you’re living in different states and traveling the country with the eyes of North America on you. You weren’t out. Maybe he thought your relationship with your family and friends, your career, was something he wouldn’t allow himself to jeopardize because he cares about you more as a person than you as his boyfriend. He might have hurt himself in order to help you.”

Jeff had never thought about it like that. Ever. But he was sure Eric would have just told him that if it was true, wouldn’t he have? Jeff would have protested it, of course, because he wasn’t into all that martyr bull shit. But. “But why didn’t he--”

“Just think about it, okay?” Jack said, pleading with Jeff to finally, finally just take his word without a fight for once today. 

“Yeah…” Jeff said. “I’ll do that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… who is this Eric guy and when are we ever going to see him?? He seems pretty important but idk…maybe in chapter four he’ll actually show up??  
> (He will definitely, for sure, actually be in chapter 4.)


	4. Pushing Our Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff has an unforgettable evening in Minnesota.  
> Eric gets more than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eric has entered the group chat. ;-)

THURSDAY FEBRUARY 20TH, 2020  
SAINT PAUL, MN

“Jeff,” Eric greeted him warmly, giving him a flash of his brilliant smile before pulling him into a tight tug. 

Just like that, all the worries and anxieties Jeff had about tonight and his performance this season disappeared as he felt Eric surround him. Jeff was home.

“It’s so good to see you,” Eric whispered softly in his ear as his fingers idly danced across Jeff’s shoulders, his arms still wrapped tightly around him. 

It just felt right. Like everything finally made since again with his arms wound tight around Eric’s middle.

Long seconds or quick minutes passed, and Jeff let the feeling of Eric consume him before taking a deep breath, both figuratively and literally, and stepping out of the embrace. They had already been hugging a few beats past the accepted bro code amount, he was sure, and though Jeff didn’t mind, he had a feeling Eric would if he had realized.

“Eric,” Jeff greeted, fingertips grazing the right side of Eric’s neck before finally pulling his hands away. Jeff was aware of Eric’s teammates walking past them, even saw Simmonds throw a wink his way, but was unable to restrain himself completely. It wasn’t even an option.

Eric just smiled that signature smile of his, and it was like pure sunshine radiating out of him. Jeff couldn’t believe he once got to see that smile on a daily basis. He didn’t know how he’d survived those six years. 

Jeff’s heart was hammering in his chest, and he knew, if he could see himself now, that he was sporting the biggest grin imaginable. Jeff should have been used to it by now, the Eric Effect. Anytime Jeff was around him, he felt like he had just jumped out of an airplane. He experienced the freedom and pure exhilaration of flying with the dread of the drop always attempting to creep to the surface. The Eric Effect basically turned Jeff into a giggling, smiling idiot with stomach knots and his breath constantly caught in his throat.

It was a lot, but Jeff had missed it immensely. It was the only time he felt alive. 

“Dinner?” Eric asked. 

The heat of Eric’s eyes roaming over his body made Jeff’s cheeks pink, and the tips of his ears turn red. It also, apparently, made him forget how to use words. So, it took a second before Jeff could get out, “S-Same place as last time?”

“Sounds good,” Eric said.

As they turned down the hall, toward the car park, Eric brought his hand to Jeff’s mid-lower back, silently guiding him through the arena. His hand was resting awkwardly between what Jeff assumed Eric thought was a friendly spot and where he truly wanted to rest his hand. 

Jeff wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, since the gesture was purely romantic, no matter a couple of inches, but Jeff just accepted what he was given without comment. 

It was both more than he’d had before, and nothing compared to what he knew Eric could give him. 

***

“Jeff?” Eric said, waving the piece of bread he was buttering to get Jeff’s attention. 

“Hmm…? Yeah?” Jeff asked, lost. He’d just spent the last few minutes recataloging every piece of Eric he could see. Jeff knew from experience how much he would regret not doing it later, when he tried to imagine Eric and couldn’t get him just right in his mind. He hadn’t done it their first few dinners, and that had been a mistake. Jeff knew better now.

Eric’s head tilted back, just a bit, when he let out a laugh. “I asked how your season’s been going.” 

Jeff blushed and grabbed the wine that Eric must have ordered for them. He didn’t remember when the wine had gotten there, or the bread for that matter, but that didn’t really surprise him. He was usually out of it when he was getting his fill of the new Eric presented in front of him.

Jeff took a sip, and almost knocked over the candle lit between them putting his glass down, before responding. “How do you think it’s going?” Jeff said as flatly as he could. Jeff was guessing he did an okay job of it, even though he was distracted by the stubble on Eric’s jaw, when Eric grimaced. 

“Yeah, I feel that. Things have definitely not been going as expected.” 

“What, really?” Jeff said, shaking himself. He needed to stop acting like a star struck rookie and start functioning like a normal person. Like Eric’s old teammate, just catching up over dinner. Nothing more. 

“You thought the Wild were actually going to be good this year?” He asked with a smirk. 

“Oh, I see how it is,” Eric said, giving Jeff the piece of bread he’d just buttered. “So, you thought Buffalo was actually going to be good then?” 

Jeff took a bite of his bread and tried not to laugh out some crumbs. “You know, Buffalo is right there. We are so close to breaking through. Minnesota though,” Jeff whistled, “You got a ways to go.” 

Eric huffed, acting put out, but wasn’t fooling anyone with the smile he couldn't hide. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.” 

“Whatever makes you feel better,” Jeff shrugged.

“Central division’s the hardest division,” Eric protested. 

“The Hawks are in that division.”

“Yeah, and they still have a better record than you, if I’m not mistaken.” 

“Oh, that’s how it’s going to be tonight, is it?” 

“I’m just telling it to you straight. If I were the last team in the league with a losing record, I probably wouldn’t be talking shit about any team but my own.” Eric grinned across the table, and Jeff couldn’t even pretend to be mad. Eric was devastating. Just so breathtaking that Jeff had to take a second.

“You forgot that we’ve had a playoff drought that’s close to hitting a decade,” Jeff added.

“Oh, yes. How could I forget?” 

Jeff shrugged. “Probably your old age, dad,” he said with a shit eating grin and a wink. 

A fierce blush bloomed upon Eric’s cheeks, and Jeff was thankful that he wasn’t the only one blushing tonight. Jeff already felt like their relationship was so unbalanced, with Eric always having the upper hand. It was nice feeling like he was leveling the playing field. Besides, Eric was just lucky he hadn’t said _’daddy.’_ He really would have been red then.

Eric cleared his throat. “ _Anyway,_ how can you say Buffalo is closer to making the playoffs than the Wild when you will probably be last in the league this year?” 

Jeff shrugged. He felt like that’s all he was doing tonight, shrugging and blushing. “Because it’s true. Ask anyone. We’ve got almost all the pieces now. Eichs and me are going to get it done. I don’t think anyone wants to get to the playoffs more than the two of us. It won’t be this year, that’s pretty fucking certain, thanks for that reminder, but who knows about next year. We’re always that dark horse.” 

“Yeah, I know. You’ll get there, Jeff.” Eric sounded weirdly contemplative and captain like all of a sudden. Was he trying to console him? It wasn’t his fault that Jeff had never seen a playoff game. That was on Jeff. He needed to be better.

“It’s not a big deal, Eric. Well, I mean, it is, but there’s always next season. Maybe I’ll kick the draught and get back to helping Jack, eh?”

“You and Eichel, then?” Eric said in a voice Jeff couldn’t place. He was being weird. He didn’t think there was beef between the two of them. He’d remember it if it had happened in Carolina, definitely Buffalo, but there hadn’t ever been anything. And if it wasn’t on ice, then it had to be something off it. They didn’t have anything in common though. 

Oh. 

It was _him_. That’s what they had in common.

He was jealous. 

“Jack and I are _friends_ ,” Jeff stressed. “He’s my captain.”

“ _I_ was your captain.” 

What the fuck?

Jeff just looked back at him stunned. He was, frankly, very fucking confused. He didn’t know what Eric was trying to say or ask. If he thought Jeff was dating Eichs, or what? The whole idea was absolutely insane. Maybe Jeff was misreading this whole conversation.

He didn’t think he was misreading anything though.

Before Jeff could come up with anything to say to that, their food arrived, Eric having ordered for them both earlier. 

“So, how are your sisters doing?” Eric asked, cutting into his steak. “Jillian doing alright?” 

Jeff blinked. Did he not just? Eric was literally just asking about Jack one second and now they were seemingly in a conversation about his sisters. Jeff had whiplash. Maybe Eric was just wanting to know he had a good circle of support around him? Family. Friends. Jeff shook his head, he didn't know. If that truly was the reason, then why were Eric’s knuckles so white, gripping his steak knife and fork, that they looked just about to bleed?

“They’re… good,” Jeff said hesitantly, taking a long look at Eric before he started cutting his own steak. 

Everything was normal after that, like every other dinner they’ve had since Eric was traded. They talked about Jordan and Marc and their respective seasons. Jeff was going to Carolina next week, and Eric was talking about setting something up for him and Jordy like Jeff wasn’t able to do it himself. Contracts were discussed, and Jeff had wondered if Eric was going to be done after this next season when his contract was up, but didn’t dare ask. Talking about what came after hockey for Eric would lead to a conversation that Eric wasn’t willing to have. 

The whole thing was exhausting. Usually, Jeff was happy to just be in the same room as Eric, and would talk about the weather all night if that’s what Eric wanted. That had always been enough for him. This time though, it wasn’t. Just getting to see Eric, and share the same space as him, wasn’t enough. Not when Eric wanted to act like there had never been anything between them. Jeff was tired of pretending like six years of his life never happened. 

He couldn’t imagine doing another dinner like this one. He refused to. 

“Did you want to get dessert?” Eric asked him, interrupting his thoughts. He placed a dessert menu in front of him.

“It can be our little secret,” Eric said with a wink. 

He was joking. Jeff _knew_ he was joking, but Jeff didn’t think it was funny at all. The last thing Jeff wanted was another secret between the two of them.

“Can we just get the check?” Jeff asked, and he knew his tone must have changed by the way Eric’s face had shifted into something… else. Something Jeff wasn’t able to parse.

“What’s up?” Eric asked, casualty concerned by Jeff’s mood swings. 

“Nothing. Just want the check,” Jeff said. 

“Ooooooookay,” Eric stretched out the word, stressing the fact that he knew Jeff was lying. 

“Okay,” Jeff said simply, not wanting to start a fight. It wasn’t worth it. 

Eric rolled his eyes at Jeff, and Jeff _hated_ that. Hated how Eric made him seem so dramatic. 

Jeff stopped the waiter walking by their table, not even their waiter, just one walking by, and handed him his credit card. It’d be faster this way.

“Jeff,” Eric said like a warning. 

“What?” Jeff asked.

Eric just shook his head and let the waiter go. 

Their waiter came back a moment later and gave Jeff his card back. He knew he looked like an ass, throwing his card around like that, but he wanted to get the hell out of here. He didn’t think he could have one more minute of meaningless conversation with Eric. 

Jeff signed, and left a big tip for the waiter in way of apology, before exiting the restaurant. He didn’t even look over his shoulder to see if Eric was following him, he knew he was. Eric was his ride back to the hotel after all. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Eric asked, slamming the passenger door Jeff had been opening closed. 

Jeff turned around to face Eric before he said, “I can’t do this anymore.” 

“What? Eat dinner?” Eric asked, confused.

“You know what I mean.” 

“No, I actually don’t. We were having a normal dinner before you decided to just run out of the place.” 

“I’m tired, Eric.”

“You could have just said that. I know you’ve been doing a lot of travel lately with--”

“No. I’m not tired from fucking travel, Eric.” Jeff ran a hand through his curls in frustration. He just didn’t get it. He never has.

“I’m done with this. Us.” Jeff motioned between the two of them. “This dance we’ve been doing for years. I can’t take another dinner filled with meaningless conversations when what we want to say is just resting on the tip of our tongues.”

“Jeff,” Eric warned. 

“But no,” Jeff continued on like Eric hadn’t said a word, “Wouldn’t want to say anything that actually matters when we could have polite conversation about the standings or the family.” 

“Get in the truck,” Eric said with such authority that Jeff actually stops. He looked around, having forgotten their surroundings, but no one was around. All too busy sipping wine and talking about their days over candle light to overhear their conversation.

Eric opened up the door he’d just slammed closed for Jeff, and Jeff stared up at him definitely, not needing Eric to do anything for him, before getting in the truck.

Eric started up the truck and a tense silence hung between them as Eric maneuvered them out of the parking lot. Once they made it to the main road, Eric said, “Let me drive you back to the hotel.” 

“Did you not hear anything I just said?” Jeff wouldn’t be surprised if Eric had already wiped it from his memory like he did their relationship. 

“I did, but I don’t know how talking about it is going to change anything.”

“Well, acting like it didn’t happen hasn’t gone that well, so I say it’s time to try something else.”

“It won’t change anything,” Eric persisted.

Jeff threw his hands up and turned completely in his seat to face Eric. “You don’t know that.” 

“I do, Jeff.” Eric sighed. “We still won’t be in the same city. We still aren’t coming out. So, no. I don’t think anything’s going to change from this conversation.”

“We could try again. Better this time. I mean, at least we could be honest with ourselves. Isn’t it time we do that? Or, is this how you want it to be? Mind numbing meaningless conversations over dinner twice a season. That’s all you want? Because if it is, please let me know.” 

“Of course that’s not what I want.”

“You act like I should already know that, but how the hell would I know that? You’re the one who set up our current arrangement.” 

Eric didn’t say anything, just kept looking straight out the windshield, his eyes never leaving the road. 

“I didn’t want to lose you,” Eric said, letting a few minutes pass.

“Eric, I-”

“We’re here,” Eric interrupted him to say. 

Jeff looked out the windshield and sure enough, they’re right outside the hotel. Eric must have sped the whole way to get them here this fast.

“Come up stairs with me, Eric. Let’s talk,” Jeff pleaded. He couldn’t imagine leaving the conversation here. If they did, he was sure Eric would just pretend it never happened and plan for their next dinner. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Eric said.

“Why?”

“Jeff,” Eric warned.

“I’m serious Eric, why?”

Eric finally turned and met Jeff’s eyes. “I’m just worried…” He let the statement hang between them. Jeff wasn’t sure what he was getting at. Worried someone would see him or worried about something that would happen in the hotel room. Jeff didn’t really care about Eric’s worry.

“Well, don’t be worried.” Jeff knew that was the wrong thing to say the second it left his mouth, so he rushed to say, “I miss you. I miss us. I’m sorry if I’m messing up your plans for the night, but would you please come up stairs and talk with me. It would mean a lot to me, to have our first real conversation in years.” 

The elevator ride up was awkward as fuck, and Eric practically ran to Jeff’s room so that they didn’t run into anyone in the hallway, but Jeff was just glad Eric hadn’t run away from him yet. 

Eric followed Jeff into the room, and then stood awkwardly by the desk, looking warily at the bed. He looked so visibly uncomfortable that Jeff had to just breath for a second. He’d never seen Eric like this. Eric had always been confident and had been since the day he stepped into the Hurricanes’ locker room. Jeff hated that he was doing this to Eric, but he needed to talk about them. He couldn’t let this continue any longer.

“Jeff, of course I still feel the same way.”

What? That was probably the last thing Jeff was expecting Eric to say. Jeff sat down on the edge of the bed, more than a little stunned.

“But…” Jeff began but couldn’t finish.

“I miss you so much it hurts. I need to see you even if we talk about nothing. Those conversations aren’t meaningless to me. I go over those conversations hundreds of times in the weeks after. I look forward to that meaningless dinner for weeks because I get to see you again. See those dimples, that smile, and those curls of yours. I’m sorry if that hasn’t been what you wanted, but it’s what I’ve _needed_. I couldn’t just let you go.” 

Jeff let Eric through his words back at him. He understood that much, but not what really mattered. “Then why did you?” Jeff couldn’t understand what Eric was saying. If Eric really did still love him, then why had he ended things between them? 

“Jeff,” Eric huffed, crossing his arms. “It’s complicated.” 

“The flight isn’t until the morning.” 

“Jeff.” Eric ran his hands through his hair. “It’s just, it just won’t work. It wasn’t working. Being together is impossible when we aren’t in the same city. With our schedules and being in different conferences. We never got to see each other. We barely got to talk on the phone, and even then, we were always getting interrupted by something. It wasn’t fair. You deserve better.”

“So, you just decided that for us, without consulting me?” Jeff asked, getting angry again. “You had no right.”

“Someone had to make the hard choice, Jeff. I knew you wouldn’t do it, so I did.”

Jeff stood up, he was tired of hearing this shit. “No, you didn’t Eric.” Jeff laughed, but there was no humor in it. “You made the _easy_ choice. You just gave up. Giving up is easy. Not picking up the phone is easy. Not visiting is easy.” 

“You think ignoring all your texts and calls was easy? When all I ever wanted to do was hear your voice?” Eric shook his head. “I did what was best for us.”

No, Jeff couldn’t let Eric walk away thinking he’d been the hero and saved them both. If he’d saved them, then why were they both so fucking miserable?

“No,” Jeff said, pointing at Eric. “You were a coward. You left me behind without a word and expected me to just be fine? I’ve been missing you every second of every day and thought you didn’t love me anymore. If you’re telling me you’ve loved me this whole time then I, I just don’t see how that could be true. How you could be fine with all of this.”

“It would have been better if you fell in love with someone else. Gotten over me. I’m not good for you.”

Jeff shook his head in disbelief. “But I’m in love with you.” 

Eric crossed the small distance between them and wiped a tear from Jeff’s cheek that he didn’t realize he’d shed. 

“Jeff,” Eric said, the fight draining from him. “I love you. Nothing is going to change though. Nothing can.”

Jeff hated how defeated he sounded, but he didn’t know how he could change Eric’s mind. He wanted to shake Eric’s shoulders and tell him that everything had changed because Eric loved him again. They could try again. But, Eric had known that all along. Jeff had been the only one in the dark. 

“Be with me, Eric. Stay the night.” 

“Jeff.” Eric’s hands cupped his cheeks and he brushed away the remaining tears. “We shouldn’t.”

“Why?” It was barely a whisper. “You love me and you know I love you.”

“Yes,” Eric agreed, resting his forehead against Jeff’s. “But it won’t change anything.” 

“Things have already changed, Eric.”

Eric shook his head against Jeff’s, not liking Jeff’s answer. Jeff tried again. “Then we might as well. If nothing’s going to change, then we might as well.” 

“Jeff, sweetheart. I-”

“If you want me to stop, I’ll stop, but if not… let’s just have this. I miss you, Eric. So fucking much. All I’ve wanted is to be back in your arms. So, please, if you’re really okay with this, just let me enjoy being home again.” 

“Fuck,” Eric breathed out.

“Jeff, baby.” His hands slid down to Jeff’s shoulders and he gently guided Jeff back on the bed. 

“Are you sure?” Eric asked, one last time. He didn’t need to though, Jeff would never say no to him. He loved him.

Jeff closed the gap between them, a mere inch of space, and kissed Eric like it’d be the last.


	5. When Love Was Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff had one mission for the night and that was to suck Eric Staal’s dick.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2010  
RALEIGH, NC

“THE CLUB CAN’T EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW!” Sutter sing-screamed over the club’s music with his hands in the air. He took a swig of the Champagne bottle he must have snuck out onto the dance floor. He barely managed not to spill it all over himself. 

“I SEE YOU WATCHING ME I GO ALL OUTTTTTTTTTTT!” Skinner sang, swinging his hips back and forth and pointing at Sutter. 

Eric shook his head. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. 

“Let them have their fun,” Cam told him, having followed Eric’s line of sight. “They’re young, single, and we just won 7-1. They’re celebrating, you should try it some time.” 

Eric wanted to roll his eyes, but resisted. There was having fun and there was _this_. It was obscene. Eric could see the sweat running down Skinner’s temples and how his white tee stuck to his skin, outlining the toned muscles of his chest. 

“What if someone sees?” Eric protested. 

“What?” Cam asked. “Sees Skinny and Brandon?” He laughed, throwing back the drink he’d just ordered. 

“Two Hockey Players That No One Recognized Danced In A Club To Celebrate Win,” Gleason said. “Can’t wait to read that headline tomorrow morning.”

“But-” Eric began before getting interrupted. 

“No one cares, man. Like, literally no one. Besides, we’re in Carolina, not Toronto. Chill.” Erik joined in. 

“Okay, okay I get it.” Eric said, waving them off. 

“Maybe you should go out there,” Cam suggested, giving him a look Eric couldn’t read. 

Cam had been doing that a lot lately. 

“Nah, I’m good here,” Eric said, motioning around the booth they had crowded into with his beer. 

“You just got your 200th goal, man. You should celebrate,” Gleason said, clapping him on the back. 

“I am. With you guys,” Eric said.

The table collectively groaned. It was so loud that the other half of the team, which was sitting in the booth next to them, had stirred and turned to look back at them. Eric just shook his head. 

“You’re pathetic,” Cam said. 

Eric flipped him off and waited for the conversation to move onto something that didn’t involve Sutter or Skinner. But, as the guys discussed that night’s win over Ottawa, Eric couldn’t stop watching Skinner. It was something Eric found himself doing a lot these days. In the locker room, on the ice, in the gym, even over fucking game tape Eric found his eyes wandering to Skinner’s soft curls and sweet smile and those beautiful brown eyes of his.

Eric had never felt this way before. Ever. And he had no idea what to do about it. 

He’d never thought he was anything but straight, having exclusively dated women his entire life. No guy had ever caught his eye before Jeff walked into the locker room for training camp. 

Eric shook his head. He’d had this argument with himself enough times by now. He wasn’t gay. He was just… well… Eric didn’t know. Jeff was a good kid. He was Eric’s rookie for fuck’s sake. Eric didn’t need to be thinking about him that way. But, no matter how many times he told himself that, he still woke up from dreams of Jeff’s lean body beneath his. 

_Skinner._ Eric reminded himself. He needed that distance. He needed it impersonal. 

Eric’s eyes slipped back over to the dance floor where he easily spotted Skinner and Sutter. Skinner was laughing, his head thrown back in a way that showed off the pale expanse of his neck. Eric thought a lot about how he’d want to mark it up before he let the words of the current song sink in. It was a song he’d heard on the radio before, maybe even the arena, but he’d never really listened to it before. He was listening now. 

_Come here rude boy, boy.  
Can you get it up?  
Come here rude boy, boy.  
Is you big enough?_

Eric blushed. He didn’t know when he’d suddenly become a prude, but he could feel his cheeks heating as the song went on. Against his better judgement, he watched Skinner grind against Sutter, singing out the words. 

_Tonight, I’ma let it be fire.  
Tonight, I’ma let you take me higher.  
Tonight, baby we can get it on, yeah.   
We can get it on, yeah._

The mental images that were coming to Eric’s mind were making his dick twitch against the seam of his jeans. Jeff on his back, legs splayed wide as he looked up at Eric. Jeff in the passenger seat of his car, holding his hand as they made their way to practice. Jeff on his knees, fingers skimming along Eric’s inner thighs. Jeff giggling into his palm as they snuck out to find a private place. 

It only got worse when Sutter and Skinner turned, and, now facing him, Eric could see Sutter’s hands on Skinner’s hips as they danced. 

Skinner’s eyes were on Eric’s as he sang along to the next lines. 

_Do you like it boy?  
I wa-wa-want what you wa-wa-want.  
Give it to me baby,  
Like boom, boom, boom.  
What I wa-wa-want is what you wa-wa-want._

Jeff couldn’t possibly mean _that_. He was singing a song. It was just a song. He probably wasn’t even really looking at Eric. Probably just zoned out.

Eric shifted, trying to get comfortable in his too tight pants. He desperately wanted it to be more than a song. He wanted to be the one out there with Jeff on the dance floor. His hands on Jeff’s hips, and not just in the drunken friendly way Sutter was dancing with him. He wanted it to mean something. He wanted to give Jeff what he wanted. 

It was too much. Way too much. And yet, all Eric wanted was to take Jeff home with him. That’s how Eric wanted to celebrate his 200th goal and his hat trick. He wanted Jeff in his bed.

Eric shook his head.

That was impossible. They were NHL players. They were straight.

The way Jeff was looking into Eric’s eyes wasn’t very straight though, and Eric realized it was probably the same way Eric was looking at him right now. 

Eric couldn’t tear his eyes away as Jeff started running his hands up and down his chest, hands occasionally grazing below his belt. Eric internally groaned. He could see Jeff’s stiff nipples from here.

_I like the way you touch me there.  
I like the way you pull my hair.   
Babe, if I don’t feel it, I ain’t faking.  
No, no.  
I like when you tell me ‘kiss me there’.  
I like when you tell me ‘move it there’._

Eric slammed his beer on the table and everyone looked at him startled. Real subtle, he thought to himself.

“I’m going to go get another round,” Eric said, motioning for the guys to move so he could get out of the booth. He kind of wanted to just go home, but he knew he couldn’t dip out this early. They were all out because of him, he couldn’t be the first one to leave. 

He felt Cam’s eyes on him as he made his way out of the booth. Eric wanted to tell him to give it a rest, or better yet, to fuck off. Maybe Cam and the guys were right though. Maybe he just needed to let loose.

Eric didn’t even know what that looked like anymore, though. All he wanted to do was be with Jeff. He wanted to get to know him, take him out. Learn about his hopes and fears. He wanted to protect him and keep him safe. He wanted more than just that though. He wanted to memorize his body, and be lucky enough to be the person Jeff fell asleep and woke up to every day. 

It was wrong. Skinner was eighteen. He was _eight_ years younger than him. 

Everything he wanted to do was everything he knew he shouldn’t. He needed to keep his distance from Skinner. Eric knew anyone would be able to read what he was feeling all over his face, so distance was the best option. If they were apart, then no one would see anything.

“Can I get another round?” Eric asked the bartender, having made it to the bar. He’d frequented this bar enough over the years that the bartenders all knew him by now. If the bartenders recognized him, he thought warily, then they’d be able to recognize Skinner and Sutter. 

Eric pushed the thought away. It wasn’t his problem. Besides, they were just dancing.

“Care to buy me a drink?” 

Eric turned, a young blonde woman with an oval shaped face was looking up at him with a small smile tugging at her lips. 

She was pretty. Definitely someone Eric would have taken home a few months ago. Now, Eric was trying to think of a nice way to shut her down. Before he did though, he came to his senses. Maybe this was what he needed. A distraction from everything that was Jeff. 

“Want a dance instead?” He asked, low. 

Her smile turned coy. “Whatever you want.” 

She grabbed his hand and led him to the dance floor. Eric’s hands wrapped around her waist as the music pulsed around them. 

_Somebody said you got a new friend.  
Does she love you better than I can?   
It’s a big black sky over my town.  
I know where you at, I bet she’s around._

_Yeah, I know it’s stupid,  
I just gotta see it for myself. _

They turned, and now Eric was able to see the bar. Skinner was there, leaning against the bar with a glass in his hand. He was watching Eric intently. There was heat in his eyes, but it was mixed with what could only be described as a look of crippling disappointment. Eric hesitated for a second, caught in his smothering gaze.

_I just wanna dance all night,  
And I'm all messed up, I'm so out of line, yeah.  
Stilettos and broken bottles,  
I'm spinning around in circles._

Skinner blinked, and Eric thought that maybe he felt as if he’d been caught. Eric watched Skinner plaster on the fakest smile the world had ever seen, and lift his glass to Eric before downing it. How Skinner was able to get any alcohol looking like that, Eric didn’t know, but that’s not what he was focusing on right now. He couldn't stop thinking about the look in Skinner’s eyes. He never wanted to see that forced smile ever again. 

_And I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, ohhhhhh.  
And I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Ohhhhhhh.  
And I'm giving it my all,  
But I'm not the girl you're taking home, oooooooh.  
I keep dancing on my own._

“Excuse me,” Eric said, leaving the woman and making his way back to the bar.

By the time he was there, Jeff was gone. 

“Here you are, Eric,” The bartender said. 

Eric downed a beer, grabbed the tray, and made his way back to the booth. He needed to get the fuck out of here. 

***

“Who was that?” Erik asked.

“She was hot, bro,” Gleason joined in.

“Oh,” Eric said, distracted. He’d already forgotten about that girl. Besides, he was too worried about where Skinner was to focus on anything else. 

He’s _fine_ , his mind supplied. Eric knew he was, but still. He wanted to see that with his own eyes. 

“Oh?” Gleason echoed.

Eric scrunched up his face in confusion before he realized he never really answered Cole’s question. 

Eric shrugged. “I wasn’t feeling it tonight.”

Eric heard a few groans of annoyance and that made him roll his eyes. Maybe they’d realize he was a lost cause and give it up? Eric could only hope. 

_”Anyways,”_ Cam said, starting back into the conversation they had been previously having before Eric had returned. 

Eric was nodding along with something Cam was saying, something about how the future in Edmonton was looking dull as ever, when he spotted Skinner again. He was back on the dance floor with Sutter and now McBain was with them.

Eric felt like he was dying just at the sight of them. 

Skinner had his back to McBain’s chest, with his head resting against his shoulder. He was giggling over some joke Jamie must have just said, making his eyes sparkle with laughter. 

Eric closed his eyes. Maybe when he opened them they’d just disappear. Eric counted to five before opening his eyes again.

No such luck. It might actually be worse now, if Eric was being honest.

Skinner was running a hand through his damp curls, trying to push them off his face before he took the drink Sutter was handing him and McBain. Eric could see the hint of a blush on Skinner’s cheeks, from the dancing or the drinking or both, Eric wasn’t sure, but he wanted to rub his thumbs over it to feel the warmth of it. He couldn’t though, for many reasons, but the main reason being he was still draped in McBain. 

Eric’s eyes wandered lower, and he noticed that Skinner’s tee was now completely translucent, the sweat having made sure of it. Even lower, and he saw that Jamie’s hands were hovering around Skinner’s hips like he didn’t want to push his luck. 

No. Eric ran a hand down his face. Jamie wasn’t interested in Skinner. Eric knew this. He needed to stop associating his own feelings with his teammates. Jamie wasn’t pushing his luck. He was dancing with a friend. 

Eric put his hand up, signaling a waiter, and ordered a whiskey. He needed something stronger to get through this. 

***

Not all the whiskey in the world could help him through this. 

He was trying not to down the one he’d just gotten, worried that he might actually get drunk drunk and not just tipsy if he kept going at his current rate, and he didn’t want someone to have to carry him out of here. He knew Cam would fucking kill him. So, he traced the rim of the glass with his finger, trying to focus on anything that wasn’t Skinner. 

_Feels so good being bad.  
There’s no way I’m turning back.  
Now the pain is my pleasure,  
cause nothing could measure.   
Love is great, love is fine.  
Out of box, outta line.   
The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more. _

And fuck the music the club was playing tonight, if it didn’t make Eric look up to see Skinner’s reaction to it every fucking time. He should have known better, though. He knew better than to look. And yet. 

His eyes automatically found Skinner’s when he looked up. Shit. 

Skinner, McBain, and Sutter were in a semi circle dancing in a way that could only be described as the whitest shit Eric had ever seen. Eric would be embarrassed for them if he wasn’t already embarrassed over the fact that he was getting turned on by Skinner’s poor performance. The way he moved his hips was fucking hot and Eric’s dick was very much interested.

Eric watched as the three of them started taking turns screaming out the lyrics while passing around another bottle Sutter had apparently found. 

“CAUSE I MAY BE BAD, BUT I’M PERFECTLY GOOD AT IT!” Sutter scream-sang. 

Skinner’s hands were in the air as he looked up at the sky singing out the next lyrics. “SEX IN THE AIR, I DON’T CARE, I LOVE THE SMELL OF IT!” 

“STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES!” McBain continued.

“BUT CHAINS AND WHIPS EXCITE MEEEEEEE!” The three of them sang. 

And, just like that, Eric was spitting his whiskey all over the table, his glass slipping from his palm and shattering on the table. 

Fuck.

He needed to leave now before he did something he really regretted. Like drag Jeff into the bathroom and fuck him. It sounded good in theory, but he knew he’d really fucking regret it in the morning. 

“Dude!”

“What the fuck? Are you drunk?”

Eric looked up from the mess to see Jeff smirking at him. Fucker.

“No, I’m not drunk, Cam.” Eric shook his head. “It just slipped out of my hand. I was distracted.”

“Yeah, I wonder why,” Cam muttered under his breath. 

Eric had had enough of Cam’s bull shit for the night. He was leaving. 

“I’m heading out. See you all at practice tomorrow,” Eric said, pushing his way out of the booth. He’d waited long enough. He was leaving. 

“What about this?” Gleason asked, motioning to Eric’s broken glass.

Eric shrugged one shoulder. “Cam will handle it.” 

_Oh, I love the feeling you bring me.  
Oh, you turn me on.  
It’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for.  
Give it to me strong,   
And meet me in my boudoir.  
Make my body say ‘Ah-ah-ah.’  
I like it, I like it. _

“Finally,” Jeff said, a smirk pulling at his lips. “Here for your dance?” He asked, wrapping his arms around Eric’s neck, his hips starting to sway to the music. 

“No,” Eric said, taking Jeff’s hands in his and pulling them off from around his neck. “We’re going home.”

Jeff’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, and his smirk turned into one of his huge signature smiles. “Yeah, okay. Definitely.”

“No,” Eric repeated, shaking his head. He hadn’t meant it like _that._

“What?” Jeff asked, arms back around his neck since he’d dropped them in surprise when Jeff agreed to leave with him. 

“You’re drunk,” Eric said. 

Jeff laughed. “No, I’m not.”

Eric slipped out of Jeff’s grasp again and started leading Jeff off the dance floor and toward the door. “Then you’re acting like you’re drunk,” Eric tossed over his shoulder.

Jeff stopped Eric, tugging on their clasped hands before stopping altogether. 

“Well, _you’re_ acting possessive.” Jeff said, raising a single brow. 

Eric didn’t know what he was supposed to say to that. Jeff was right, but he couldn’t just agree.  
He just wanted to get out of here. He needed to be alone with Jeff. 

No. 

He needed to take Jeff home before he did something regrettable. Eric was just helping his rookie out. Jeff was drunk and he needed to get home safely. This had nothing to do with him. 

“You’re making a scene.”

Jeff laughed again. “No, _you’re_ making a scene. I’m having fun.” 

“Let’s go,” Eric said, starting to walk again. 

Jeff huffed, annoyed, and Eric could tell Jeff thought he was being dramatic. 

“So, _dad,_ ” Jeff began, letting Eric lead him out of the club, “Didn’t realize we were out past curfew. You gonna punish me?” 

“Jeff,” Eric warned. Fuck this kid. 

Jeff laughed. “Fine. My bad.”

Eric hummed in agreement. He prayed Jeff would just shut the fuck up. Everything he said just made it that much harder on Eric.

But, Eric had never been lucky. 

“Your place or mine?” Jeff asked. 

Eric turned, looked back at Jeff, ignored the flirty glint in his eyes, and said, “Funny.”

“Yours then?” Jeff asked. 

“Stop,” Eric said. Pretty much begged, really. 

Jeff laughed. “You don’t actually want me to.” 

And fuck Jeff, becasue Eric really really really didn’t want him to. Eric was tired, a little tipsy, and done trying to follow the rules tonight. He just wanted to be with Jeff. 

Eric didn’t care that they were out on the curb and that their taxi, or any of their teammates, could interrupt them at any moment. Eric was tired of hiding tonight. 

Eric cradled Jeff’s face in his hands, and lowered his own head until they were mere centimeters apart. 

“You could not be more fucking obvious, baby. All night, dancing like that.”

“Well, I had to get your attention somehow,” Jeff said, sounding smug. 

Eric huffed. “Subtlety has never really been your thing, has it?”

“Not tonight,” Jeff said, licking his lips. 

“It’s going to have to be when you’re with me. You know that, don’t you Jeff? We can’t…” Eric trailed off, looking past Jeff for a moment to regather his thoughts. He didn’t know if he was making a huge mistake. “This thing between us has got to stay between us. I can’t… No one but us can know.” 

“That’s fine, Eric. Just,” Jeff wrapped his arms around his neck, and pressed his face into the column of Eric’s throat. “Just let me take care of you.”

Eric closed his eyes at that. It was the best thing he’d heard all week. All season maybe. He let it sink in before opening his eyes. There, out of the corner of his eye, Eric saw the taxi idling at the curb waiting for them. Their ride was here.

Eric cupped the back of Jeff’s neck, forcing Jeff to look up at him. “If you’re good on the car ride home and practice your subtlety, then I’ll let you take care of me, sweetheart.”

Jeff beamed at him. “I’ll be the straightest guy you’ve ever seen, baby. Just wait and see.” He winked at Eric, before turning to the cab. “Our ride’s here, let’s go home already.” 

Jeff climbed into the cab, and Eric slid in after him. Before Eric could close the door, Jeff was climbing over his lap to get it himself. Jeff’s hand, of course, was pressed right up against his half hard dick, while the other one grabbed the door handle and slammed the door shut.

“Oh!” Jeff said, looking down. His fingertips grazed along the obvious bulge in his jeans. 

“Sorry, Eric.” Jeff said, not sounding sorry at all. 

“Jeff,” Eric warned. The cab hadn’t even started moving yet and Jeff was already about to make a scene. 

Jeff rolled his eyes and then started helping Eric put his seat belt on, like he couldn’t do it himself. Jeff’s hands slid across his chest, and then he leaned in close and whispered into Eric’s ear. “I can’t wait to get that in my mouth when we get home, Eric.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeff wants to thank Rihanna first, and then god, for helping him land Eric. 
> 
> Alexa, please play 2010’s club hits. 😎
> 
> Five chapters down, an unknown amount to go! (I’m thinking it’s going to be 12-20 chapters. I can’t stop writing.) What do you think so far? Kudos + comments appreciated ❤️
> 
> (((Also, I desperately wanted them to have the sweetest first time together but somehow it turned into this???)))


	6. Confessions Should Be Better Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff has to make a decision that could ultimately alter his past, present, and future.  
> An empty bed and a ray of sunshine give him his answer.

FRIDAY FEBRUARY 21, 2020  
SAINT PAUL, MN

Warm. 

Warmer than the sun. Warmer than Eric’s smile. It was a warmth that could never be rivaled. 

Jeff slowly came to consciousness with a smile on his lips. He’s tucked into the bed that he shared with Eric last night and he feels nothing but warmth from the inside out. Being with Eric again was everything he’d ever day dreamed about. It was like no time had passed at all, like they were back at their place in Carolina. Jeff hadn’t felt so content in years. 

“Babe,” Jeff said, hand stretching out to find Eric. Eric had never been down for cuddles in the morning, always ready to get up and go and start the day, but Jeff thought that he could indulge him just this once. 

Still too tired to crack open his eyes just yet, Jeff scrunched up his nose in displeasure when his hand found cool sheets instead of Eric’s warm body. Jeff huffed and reached further across the bed, wanting to pull Eric’s body back against his until his alarm went off. 

The further he reached though, the cooler the bed felt. Jeff frowned. Grumbling about the unfairness of it all, Jeff rubbed his eyes before opening them to find nothing but a strip of light beside him. 

Eric was gone. 

Next to him was an empty space where Eric should be. 

Jeff’s sleepy brain woke with a start. Jeff’s eyes roamed over the empty room, glancing at the desk, the night stand, the chair, the floor, the dark space under the bathroom door. 

Nothing. 

Eric was gone, like he’d never been here at all. 

Jeff shook his head, that couldn’t be right. Eric had been here. He wouldn’t have just left. Not after everything that happened last night. But, as Jeff looked around the hotel room, everything told him that he was alone. That Eric had in fact left. 

Maybe he’d gone to get breakfast? 

Maybe he’d had to leave for practice? 

Yes, that made sense. He’d had to leave and didn’t want to wake Jeff. He was trying to be considerate to Jeff, actually, and his sleep schedule. Jeff should feel grateful Eric had been thinking of him. But, if that was the case, Eric would have left a note. He wouldn’t have left without saying something.

There had to be a note, Jeff just had to find it. 

So, he got up, and ran his hand over the night stand. 

No note. 

Walked to the desk and moved around all the contents that the hotel thought were necessary for travelers. 

No note. No wallet. No keys. No phone. 

Jeff checked the bathroom. 

No Eric. No clothes. No note. 

Jeff came back to the empty room, got on his hands and knees and looked under the bed. Maybe it’d fallen underneath the bed?

No note. No nothing. 

Eric was gone without a trace. Without a word. Without a goodbye of any kind.

Jeff sunk back into the bed, suddenly exhausted. 

He was so very tired of being alone and he was so very tired of being the one left behind. 

Jeff’s alarm went off shortly after that, and his heart raced as he realized that Eric must have texted him. That made the most sense and was actually the most practical and reasonable thing for him to do. But, when Jeff found nothing but some texts from Eichs, he ignored his alarm and didn’t even bother with hitting snooze. Instead, he fluffed up his pillows, valiantly ignored his alarm, rolled over and snuggled into bed. He was ready to spend the day wallowing in a familiar post-Eric haze. 

Minutes passed by, and as Jeff laid in bed, he tracked the light which spilled from between a crack in the curtains. It made its way to the bed, where it danced on the cool white sheets beside him. Jeff ran his hand over the sheets, the light skimming over his fingers and bringing a ghost of warmth. 

It wasn’t enough. 

Eric had told him that nothing would change, and Jeff had been foolish enough to think that after last night something would. But, he was wrong. Eric was right. He had known that no confessions or love between the two would change anything. 

Jeff groaned. He wanted to regret the night before, but couldn’t bring himself to. He wouldn’t regret telling Eric the truth about how he felt. That was too big, much too important, and something Eric should know. So, now he does. It was on Eric now to do something about it. 

Jeff shoved a pillow over his head, and angrily silenced his alarm. He was furious at Eric for leaving, yet he knew he shouldn’t have expected any other outcome. Eric was never going to stay, because he was never going to allow things to change. Eric might be unhappy about their current situation, but he was comfortable with it. Fine with it. Had come to terms with it. 

That was something Jeff would never do. 

He refused to accept that both of them being miserable was what was best. What was the point of it all? Living a shadow of a life so they could shoot a puck while millions watched on. 

It suddenly didn’t sound worth it anymore. 

Jeff was edging closer to thirty -Eric about to be forty- and he was done with the secrets and fucking tired of playing this game with Eric while their whole lives just passed them by. Jeff wouldn’t do it anymore. 

“JEFF! Let’s go! You’re going to miss the bus you lazy fuck!” Ristolainen yelled. 

“I’m coming, asshole! Hold the bus!” Jeff yelled back. 

Ristolainen banged on Jeff’s door three times in response before presumably walking away. Jeff rolled his eyes, but got up to pack up his things. 

Maybe Eric was right, Jeff thought. Nothing would change if there was still distance between them and they were both unwilling to come out. But Jeff wasn’t eighteen anymore, and the fear of losing hockey wasn’t enough to make him want to hide himself anymore. He’d played his fair share. Had a career he could be proud of, even if he wasn’t ready to hang it up. He could walk away from it all if it was his only option, because hiding who he really was, wasn’t one anymore. 

He couldn’t do anything about the distance, but he could do something. 

As he packed up the crumpled suit he’d left on the floor the night before, Jeff felt more determined than anything else. 

***

“Who are you texting? You’ve been on your phone since we got to the airport and you’ve spent the entire flight typing away on your laptop. You look like you’re cramming to finish a paper that was due two hours ago. What’s up?” 

“What?” Jeff asked, distracted. He looked up from his laptop and turned to Jack.

“Dude.” 

“It’s nothing. Just reaching out to the family, you know?” Jeff lied. Well, sort of lied. 

“And you needed to do that right now?” Jack eyed him suspiciously. “Is something wrong?” 

Jeff laughed uneasily, having been caught so easily. “No. No. Of course not. Just- Hey, we should get dinner tomorrow, yeah? You could come over?” 

Jack eyed him warily. “Sure, Skinny. I’ll come over. Then you can tell me what’s gotten into you, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Jeff breathed before turning back to his laptop. 

He was really hoping he’d be able to get everything sorted before they landed. 

***  
“So,” Jeff cleared his throat before continuing, “How was the flight?” 

Jeff pushed up the sleeves of his Bills sweatshirt before shoving them right back down again. He needed to stop fidgeting but he was nervous, and understandably so. He’d made up his mind, and was going through with it, and he was more than okay with that, but that didn’t put him any more at ease. How could it when he knew that every word he said was going to drastically change everything? 

And Eric had said that nothing could change. Jeff wanted to laugh.

If Jeff knew one thing it was this: that whatever happened next, everything was going to change. 

“Not bad, really,” Haley said from across the coffee table. She was sitting cross legged on his couch, with the coffee Jeff had just made her resting in her lap. Her tape recorder, as well as her phone, laid face up on the table between them. 

“That’s… good,” Jeff replied. He shook his head. He was already having trouble finding the words and they hadn’t even started yet. Not really anyway. He needed to get it together. He was the one who wanted to do this. He’s the one who had called her yesterday and begged her to take the first flight out of Raleigh to Buffalo today. Jeff had actually gotten lucky, since Carolina was on the road playing the Rangers last night, she’d already been in New York. It wasn’t too hard finding a flight from the city to Buffalo and Jeff had been more than grateful. Even more grateful when she’d taken one of the first flights out and showed up on his door a few minutes ago at a quarter past eleven. She was here because of him. Now he needed to do his part.

“Yeah, I even got the aisle to myself. I guess not that many people want to spend their Saturday morning up before the sun and on a plane to Buffalo.”

“I’m sorry,” Jeff said immediately. He grimaced. He’d already felt bad he’d made her lie to the Canes and to her team at the Athletic for her sudden departure from their current road trip. He hadn’t wanted to make it even more inconvenient for her. 

“Oh, no.” Haley waved a hand, dismissing Jeff’s apology. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t mind. Really,” She added when Jeff gave her a look. “It gave me a chance to catch up on Katy Keene.”

Jeff didn’t know what that was, but he nodded. Haley took a polite sip of her coffee and gave him an encouraging smile. This is why Jeff had called her. She’d always been able to put him at ease. There was a mutual respect there between them. They had both started out at the same time. When Jeff was a rookie with the Canes, she was a rookie reporter covering the team. They’d both had to navigate through new and unknown territory at the same time, which led them to develop a strong professional relationship. They had always helped each other back in Carolina, were always there for the other one to lean on, and Jeff was hoping that would extend to Buffalo now. They might not be friends, per se, but Jeff trusted and respected her. It was why he had asked her to tell his story in the first place. 

“Thanks for coming on such short notice. I know it must have been a pain to get here with less than 24 hours notice.” Jeff reached out for his own coffee, but then withdrew his hands before they had met the handle. The last thing he needed was caffeine right now. 

“Jeff, stop apologizing. Of course I’m here. I wouldn’t have passed this up. I mean, this might be the most important article of my career.” Haley frowned, seemingly displeased with the words she’d just said even though Jeff saw no fault in them. 

“Are you, you know, are you sure you want to do this?” Haley asked him, sincerely. 

“Yes, I’m sure,” Jeff said, suddenly feeling anything but. 

“You know, if you changed your mind, I won’t be upset,” Haley said, sensing his nerves no doubt. 

Jeff attempted a laugh, which sounded forced even to his own ears, before trudging on. “And mess up your big article? No way.”

“Jeff,” Haley said, leveling him with her famous steely gaze. “I’m serious. This is serious. This isn’t about me. This is way more important than an article or hockey stats. This is your _life_ , and if we do this it can never be undone. I want you to be sure.” 

Jeff closed his eyes and let Haley’s words sink in. He knew she was right. Obviously, she was right. Jeff coming out, publicly, was a huge fucking deal that would change just about everything, and unless the ability to time travel was suddenly invented, he’d never be able to take back his next words. 

Was he really ready to do this? Just this week he’d told Jonny that he’d go to any length to make sure no one ever learned the truth about his sexuality, and here he was days later, in his living room sitting across from a reporter, ready to bear his soul for all of the world to see. It seemed incomprehensible, and yet, it was what Jeff wanted. 

Jeff wanted a life without secrets. He wanted a life out of hiding. 

This was the first step to getting what he wanted. 

Jeff shook out his arms and cracked his knuckles, resettling in. He was now, finally, ready to begin. 

“Sorry,” Jeff said with a sheepish grin. “Just a little nervous, but I want to do this. You know, I actually think I’ve wanted to do this for a very long time.”

Haley must have heard the conviction in his voice, or maybe it was something new she saw in his face, but she took him at his word, and nodded in agreement. 

“Then let’s do this,” Haley agreed. “Do you mind if I?” She asked, hand hovering over both the tape recorder and her phone between them. 

“No, no. I don’t mind.” Jeff said. He took one last deep breath. 

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

One more breath before he finally, finally said, “Let’s get started.” 

Haley started recording then, sat back, and simply asked, “So, why now?” 

*** 

“You're joking,” Jack stated, not humoring Jeff in the slightest. He already looked wary, like he didn’t have it in him tonight to deal with any of the team's usual bull shit. He wasn’t asking if he was joking, he was telling Jeff he had to be. 

“I’m serious,” Jeff reassured him. He was trying not to laugh at the amount of conviction that had been laced in Jack’s last words when he was utterly, a hundred percent wrong. Jeff didn’t think laughing would help Jack believe him though. 

“No.” Jack’s eyebrows scrunched together as he tilted his head in confusion. “You can’t be. You’re not gay.” 

Jeff really did laugh then. When he had thought about how Jack would respond when he came out to him, Jeff had never thought Jack would refuse to believe it.

“Yes, I am,” Jeff confirmed, once again, trying to tamp down his giggles. “I think I’d know.”

“This isn’t funny,” Jack said, obviously annoyed. “I’m not laughing.” 

Now Jeff was confused. Why was Jack thinking this was an elaborate joke? Jeff didn’t think anyone would risk joking about this kind of thing. Was it really that hard to believe? 

“This isn’t a joke, Eichs. This is what I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted you to know.”

“You’re serious?” Jack asked like a broken record. The anger that had defined his features moments ago had subsided, and in its place worry etched away. 

Jeff had hoped that this would be a more positive conversation, but he rolled with it. He hadn’t thought Jack would break out the rainbow confetti, but he’d maybe expected a smile at least. But, Jeff got it. Jack had seen him a certain way for so long that it was taking him a minute to process it. Jeff just hoped Jack didn’t feel betrayed that he hadn’t been honest with him from the start. Though he didn’t owe it to Jack to reveal that side of himself, Jeff still hoped Jack wouldn’t be upset about that part of it. 

“I’m really really serious, Jack.” Jeff gave him an encouraging smile. Why he was the one supporting Jack when Jeff was the one who was doing all the emotional work, Jeff had no clue, but he’d done the same when he told his family. It was Jeff’s life that was changing drastically, yet it was everyone else who needed to be comforted.

Jeff didn’t know how he felt about that, but he soldiered on, telling Jack the second bit of news and why he was really here. “I’m coming out, publicly, and wanted to let you know before the article came out.” 

Jack’s eyes grew wide when he heard Jeff say ‘publicly’ and wider still when he heard ‘article.’ Jeff would think the look of utter shock on Jack’s face would be hysterical if they had been talking about anything but this, but, instead, it made the doubt Jeff had snuffed out attempt a comeback. 

“ARTICLE?” Jack squeaked out. He shook his head and paced in front of Jeff. “No, no, no, no, no. Now I know you’re joking.” Jack mumbled as he walked back and forth, before stopping and pointing at Jeff. 

“You’re crazy.” 

Jeff laughed. “No, I’m not,” he said steadily.

“This is insane, Jeff.” 

“How is this insane, Jack? I’m coming out, not planning a trip to Mars. Besides, plenty of guys are out in the NHL. It’s not a big deal.” 

“Not a big deal?” Jack repeated in disbelief. “Have you told your agent? The team? The front office? What have they said about this plan of yours?”

“No, I haven’t. It’s none of their business.” Jeff shrugged in dismissal. He hadn’t felt the need to tell them because it had nothing to do with them. Nothing they could have said would have stopped him from doing the interview anyway. 

Jack threw his head back and laughed. There was no humor in it though, it was just a thing of shocked bewilderment. 

“Dude,” Jack said after a minute, shaking his head. 

“Jack, come on.”

“I can’t. I don’t even know what to say except you’re fucking insane.” 

Jeff’s enthusiasm faded, and was replaced by dread. He’d been excited to share this with Jack, the first friend he’d ever got to come out to on his own terms, and had thought he would be supportive. But now, looking at the way Jack was shaking his head, Jeff wasn’t so sure anymore. This was one of the things he’d always feared, not being accepted by the ones closest to him once they knew, but Jeff was an adult, and he could handle this. If Jack didn’t accept this part of him, then Jeff didn’t need him as part of his life. 

“Eichs, I’m doing this with or without your support, I just thought that-” 

“What?” Jack asked, interrupting him. He looked confused again.

“I thought that you’d be accepting, you know? But, if, well, I had always thought, but-” 

“No. No,” Jack interrupted him again. “Jeff, it’s not that I don’t support you. I’m proud of you, frankly, but this. This is huge. It’s-”

Before Jack could finish, a knock rang out. 

Jack turned to the door and then whipped his head back around toward Jeff. “Who’s that?” 

“Some of the guys. The leadership group. I thought they should know before the article comes out tomorrow. Just so they aren’t blindsided if someone asks them about it.” 

“TOMORROW?” Jack asked in disbelief. 

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Yes, tomorrow.” 

“That soon?” 

“I’ve waited long enough,” Jeff told him, and Jack nodded at that, seeming to finally start to understand.

“Does your family know?” Jack asked, more subdued. 

“I told them yesterday. They weren’t that surprised to be honest, and that honestly surprised me a little bit. Erica said it had something to do with the fact that I’d never brought anyone around for the holidays, but I don’t know about that.” 

Jack let out a little chuckle at that, but said nothing.

There was another knock then, another attempt to get their attention, but still neither of them moved to answer the door. The moment between them still seemed too fragile to be interrupted. 

Still, Jeff yelled, “Coming!” when Jack said nothing. 

“You’re really sure about this?” Jack asked at last. 

“I’m really sure,” Jeff confirmed. 

Jack nodded. Took a big breath. Opened his mouth to say something before closing it once more. Then, finally, he looked Jeff in the eyes again. 

“I’ve been a real dick, haven’t I?” Jack said, a hint of a laugh escaping as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Yeah, you really have,” Jeff agreed, as he let a slow smile start to take shape. 

“I’m sorry. That was probably like the first example of what not to do when your friend comes out to you. That was shit, and I’m kinda already cringing thinking about it, but I do support you. I’m just worried. I’m really really worried. I just don’t think things are going to shake out how you think they are.”

Jack, like Jeff, always saw, and prepared for, the worst. Jeff knew that, and he understood where Jack was coming from. This time though, Jack was wrong. He had to be for Jeff’s sake. 

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Jeff said with a confidence he wasn’t sure he felt was sincere, but at least it was there.

Jeff made his way to the door then, hearing yet another knock, but before he opened it, he turned back to Jack. “You’ll see, Eichs. Everything will work out.” 

Jack nodded and gave Jeff a shaky smile.

“I hope so.” 

Then, like ripping off a band-aid, Jeff pulled open the door and was met with seven annoyed hockey players crammed in his doorway. 

“Took you long enough,” Reino said, patting Jeff on the shoulder before he made his way inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the central, Canes! Good luck in the east, Buffalo! 
> 
> I forgot to add this to the end notes last chapter, but irl Eric saying that rookie Jeff had a Justin Bieber type fan base his first season was 80% of the inspo for the last chapter. Thinking of 18 year old Jeff asking himself What Would Justin Do? was just too much fun. (Obviously, the answer to that was dress slutty, get tipsy _not drunk,_ and seduce your captain.) 
> 
> Eric’s direct quote: “It has a Justin Bieber-type feel to it, but he’s got a Justin Bieber-type look, too. It’s exciting for him. He’s probably going to get the loudest ovation on Sunday.” (Jan 29, 2011 NHL Article ‘Skinner’s big fan base on display in Raleigh’)
> 
> Happy holidays, reader! I hope that wherever you are (and whether you are celebrating the holiday or not) you get to enjoy a nice relaxing day off. 
> 
> (PS I desperately want to write (a very very short!) fic based on an evermore song for either Toews/Kane or Matthews/Marner (or even Konecny/Patrick). Please guide me in the right direction.)


	7. Struggled Not To Shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret is revealed.

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 23, 2020  
CALGARY, AB 

Eric was fucking tired of the road. Maybe he was actually getting old, or maybe it’d just been a long fucking season and knowing it was only going to get more grueling as they played out these last few weeks in hopes that they could squeeze into a playoff spot was exhausting in and of itself. 

Eric thought it was both.

They’d only just left for this road trip, but it, of course, started with a back to back. They’d played in Edmonton last night and had barely gotten the win. They’d been lucky and been able to take advantage as the Oilers were still reeling from the Manning incident that had happened earlier this week in Chicago. 

A win was a win though, no matter how close it was or how they got it, and Eric was hoping they could get another one tonight. 

Eric leaned back in his stall, closed his eyes, and waited as the rest of the guys got ready. He’d gotten there first this morning, like always, a habit he’d picked up in Carolina when he’d been the captain. He’d always been the first guy to arrive and the last one to leave. It was a habit that, years later, he couldn’t break. He never really minded it, he always wanted to be available if someone needed his help with anything, or had a question, or was nervous. People always said he had a knack for talking things through, calming people’s fears, and Eric, like any good teammate, wanted to be there to help. 

Today though, he would have liked to be anywhere but waiting around in his stall. For one, he thought it was ridiculous they were having morning skate when they’d played only a little over twelve hours ago and had another game tonight. For another, if no one needed him, it became a time for him to think. 

That was the last thing he wanted right now. 

Other guys in Eric’s position would have simply pulled out their phone, caught up on their texts or social media. Dumba and Fiala, even Zucker, were scrolling away in their stalls. But, Eric was old school, he never had his phone on him while in the arena. He left it in his car before coming in, or, if on the road, left it in his bag. So, solo contemplation it was. 

The last thing he wanted. 

Eric wanted to stay busy, it was the only way he was going to get through this. He figured he should be grateful for the back to back instead of complaining, and he was grateful when they’d flown out to Edmonton on Friday. Really, he had been consumed with all things hockey since he woke up Friday morning. He had needed that. That was good. 

But, here, waiting around with nothing to do but think about all the things he’d rather forget, that was not fucking good.

He didn’t want to think about how he’d made such a huge fucking mistake. 

Again. 

And as much as he was excited about having dinner with Lindholm and Hanifin, he was also dreading it. Because every time they got together since the trades, Elias always asked him how Jeff was. Eric knew it was normal to ask about old teammates, he’d done it plenty of times himself, but tonight he didn’t want to be thinking about Jeff. 

Especially now. 

Eric knew he never should have gone upstairs that night. Never should have allowed himself to step foot in Jeff’s hotel room. But, Jeff had been so persuasive, like he always had been, and, really, Eric was a weak man. 

Especially when it came to Jeff. 

He knows he should have said something, knew just how crushed Jeff would feel when he woke up alone. Yet, he still couldn’t bring himself to stay. He couldn’t bring himself to look Jeff in the eyes one last time and say goodbye, because he knew, looking into those eyes, he’d never be able to walk away. Not again. 

So, he’d left, without a word, and, if Eric tried, he could fool himself for a little while that it’d never happened at all. But then someone would bump him on the plane, or shove him into the boards, and they’d accidentally hit one of the bruises Jeff had left on him, and Eric would be reminded again of what he’d done. What _they’d_ done. 

It changed nothing, Eric repeated to himself again and again, but it rang hollow. 

Eric might be able to lie to Jeff, but he couldn’t lie to himself. Not anymore. 

“Earth to Eric?” Brinks said, tapping his stick against Eric’s calf. 

“Huh?” Eric said. He shook his head, attempting to clear it of anything remotely related to Jeff. He was at work, for fuck’s sake, he had a job to do. 

Parise laughed, and motioned to the door. “The sooner we get out there, the sooner we’re done. Let’s go get it.” 

*** 

Morning skate was easy, even by morning skate standards. It was really them just skating in circles and doing some passing drills while others tried to get it in on Dubnyk. Eric shouldn’t have been phased by it, but he was. It wasn’t from the drills though, but rather his teammates. He felt like any time he looked up half the team was looking in his direction and the other half was looking like they’d just turned their heads. Everyone but Koivu seemed to be in on something Eric was unaware of.

Eric briefly worried that he was getting traded, since the deadline was tomorrow, but quickly dismissed that idea. He had another year on his contract, and his agent had told him yesterday that there hadn’t been a word about something like that from the front office. Besides, the entire team wouldn’t know about that before him. It was always the other way around. 

Still, if it wasn’t that, it was something. 

Eric tried to shake it off. He didn’t want to lead on that it was bothering him, but what started as a few guys glancing his way led to the entire time staring or attempting to not act like they were just obviously staring his way. At one point he literally saw Joel and Greenway whispering to each other. Eric just rolled his eyes. 

By the end of practice, he was 99% sure the younger guys had decided to start up the road trip pranks again and Eric was going to be the first victim. He let his skepticism and annoyance subside and started to prepare himself. He’d be a good sport about it, of course. God knew this team needed to have a little fun. 

Back in the locker room, Eric noticed less people staring, and he started to wonder if it had all been in his head. Had he imagined it all? But, he quickly dismissed the thought when he saw Donato and Hartman speaking in hushed tones before looking his way. They both smiled, having been caught, but it looked forced. Eric just turned and went to the showers, sure it was a prank after all. 

It was only when he’d changed, slowly, so to not step into shaving cream filled shoes, or any other similar disaster, that he started to feel uneasy again. Eric didn’t know what the prank was, and he didn’t want to think of the alternative. If it wasn’t a prank, then why was everyone staring at him? 

“Hey,” Zucker said, wrapping an arm around Eric’s shoulder as they made their way to the bus. “How’s Jeff?” 

“Good,” Eric replied, his brow wrinkling in confusion. He was thrown by the question, until he realized that the whole team had known that Eric had taken Jeff to dinner a few days ago, when they had played the Sabres. He wasn’t asking because he knew about what happened after dinner, or Eric leaving. Eric relaxed. This wasn’t about _them,_ it was just about Jeff. That he could handle. 

“He’s really settling in with Buffalo now,” Eric added. 

That answer seemed to throw Zucker, though Eric wasn’t sure why. He seemed genuinely confused, like Eric had surprised him with his response. Zucker proceeded to step back, which caused his arm to drop from Eric’s shoulders, and get a good look at Eric. Whatever Zucker saw confirmed something for him, and he readjusted his bag on his shoulder before responding sincerely with, “That’s great.”

Eric nodded in agreement. He was glad Jeff was somewhere he could start over, and Eric hoped that he was happy there. He could never really tell when he talked to Jeff about it. 

“Hey,” Jason said, interrupting Eric’s train of thought, “Will you let him know next time you talk to him? That I’m happy for him? I know he’s probably really busy, especially now, and I don’t want to add to that, but if you could just let him know?” 

“Yeah?” Eric said, more than a little confused since he didn’t think Jason and Jeff were anything more than casual acquaintances. “Sure, man.” 

“Thanks,” Zucker said, clapping him on the back before they climbed the stairs and made their way onto the bus. 

*** 

Back in his hotel room, Eric attempted to fish his phone out of his bag so he could set his alarms. He was more than tired, drained from the travel, last night’s game, and carrying the watchful gaze of his teammates all fucking day. He needed sleep, so he was more than glad that napping was part of their routine. 

Having looked through all the pockets of his bag with no luck, he realized he must have forgotten to take his phone to the rink today. He zipped everything back up, stripped off his shirt, and got into bed. It had to be here somewhere. 

Eric’s hands skated over the sheets until he found it, actually under his pillow. He must have really been out of it this morning. But, when he went to set his alarms, he was more than surprised to find he had over twenty missed calls from Jordy. 

Shit. 

He quickly unlocked his phone and saw he had missed some texts from him also, as well as some from past teammates. He skipped over those though when his eyes caught the last text Jordy had sent him.

**The Best Staal (Jordan! Fucking! Staal!):** Call me ASAP

Fuck. 

This is why everyone had been staring at him. It was about Jordan. 

Had he been traded? 

Had the Hurricanes really done that? 

A thousand thoughts were flying through his head while Eric’s heart attempted to make a break for it. Eric wanted to solve this. He wanted to be there for Jordan. Eric knew Jordy was a good captain for those guys. Trading him would be a confusing move to say the least. But, it was just hockey, Eric tried to reason with himself. In the long run, Jordan would be fine. 

Eric paused, reconsidering. 

He didn’t know that though. That Jordan was fine, or if he’d even really been traded. The trade deadline was tomorrow, sure, but surely someone would have told him if his own brother had been traded. 

It had to be something else then. What if it was worse? What if Jordan was hurt?

Eric attempted to take a calming breath, and comforted himself with the idea that if Jordan had spent so much damn time on his phone trying to contact Eric, that he must be fine. 

But then what?

Rather than spiraling over what it could be, Eric decided to just call Jordan. 

The line rang once before he was met by Jordy’s hurried greeting. 

“Eric, thank God, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. Did you see? Have you seen it yet?” 

“Seen what?” Eric asked, confused. “What are you talking about?”

Jordan pressed on urgently. “The article. Eric, have you seen it?”

“No,” Eric shook his head, though no one could see him. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Fuck.” Eric heard Jordy take a deep breath before he mumbled out a “Fuck me.” 

“Jordan,” Eric said, stern. He was tired of this game. What the fuck was happening? And why was he seemingly the last person on Earth to know about it?

“Hold on, I’m sending it to you right now.” 

“Okay?”

“Okay, it sent. You need to read this right now.” 

Eric huffed, more than annoyed at his brother and his dumbass teammates. He put his phone on speaker, and went to his messages while he responded to Jordan. “I don’t see how anything could be this important, Jordy. You’re acting crazy. I-” 

Eric stopped, not believing his eyes. The article Jordan had sent him, the article he just pulled up, it couldn’t possibly be real. 

“Eric?” Jordan asked softly, but insistently, like he was attempting to be understanding but also worried that something had actually happened on the other line. 

Eric didn’t respond for a long time, he just read the headline over and over again.

“Eric?” Jordy repeated.

“Did he?” Eric stopped, and cleared his throat. “Did he mention...?”

Eric let the question hang between them, hoping Jordan would understand. Eric couldn't bring himself to say those next words aloud. He’d never talked about it. Never had confided in Jordy about Jeff or his sexuality. Not while Jeff and him had been dating, or afterwards. Not when Jordan had joined them in Carolina. Eric had always thought that what Jeff and he had was theirs, and as much as Eric had wanted to talk to his brother about it over the years, he never had. He’d always thought it was best that way, the fewest people knowing about them, the better. 

(Or, maybe Eric had always just been too scared to talk to him about it.) 

But, he’d had a feeling for years now that somehow Jordy did know about them. He knew that Jeff had never said anything, and Eric himself obviously hadn’t, yet he’d been left with the impression that he’d been in on their secret. Eric had always had no proof really at all that Jordy did know, since he’d never said anything about it. It had always been just a feeling. That was, until now. 

Right now, in the way Jordan had been so desperate to contact his brother, he’d made it known that he’d known it was more than friendship that Eric had with Jeff. Or, used to have. That there was love there and he knew it. 

“No,” Jordy finally answered Eric’s question before pausing. “No, Jeff would never have done that to you. You know that. But, if he had, I would have flown out there myself to tell you.”

Any response that Eric had died in his throat. He knew that Jeff would never have outed him, yet he’d also thought Jeff would have never done this. He didn’t know if he really knew Jeff, or anything at all, anymore. 

“Eric? Are you still there?” Jordan asked, and Eric distantly thought that his voice seemed far away. 

“I’ll have to call you back,” Eric choked out, before hanging up on Jordan. 

Eric closed his eyes, and tried to clear his mind. This couldn’t be happening. 

And yet, when he opened his eyes, the article was still there. 

There in big bold letters read “With(out) Fear: The Jeff Skinner Story.” Eric quickly scrolled through the article, scanning over the bolded questions and Jeff’s nervous but sincere answers searching for his name, but he never found it anywhere. It wasn’t until he skimmed the last section of questions that he stopped to actually read it. 

_**So, why now?** _

_JS: I guess I should get used to that question, eh? (Skinner laughed.)_

_**I just mean, was there something that happened that pushed you to make this decision, or?** _

_JS: Yes and no. For a long time I’ve been living my life in fear, constantly worried about someone learning the truth about me. When I was 18, my biggest fear was losing hockey. Here today, at 27, my biggest fear is being alone. I don’t just mean being single, or alone in the romantic sense. I’ve dated, though that might surprise some. (Skinner laughed.)_

_I’ve felt alone for most of my life, hiding a part of myself from teammates, friends, and family, so afraid that the truth of who I was would be met with rejection. I honestly believed that no one would accept me, though no one had ever given me any indication that that would be so. But I couldn’t get that idea out of my head, so I said nothing. I just couldn’t stand the idea of losing them, my loved ones. Yet, by keeping this from them, I ultimately felt alone._

_It was very isolating, no one knowing who I truly was._

_Lately, I’ve been wondering if it’s been worth it. This decision I’d made at 18. And I’ve come to the conclusion that it may have been at that time, but that I just couldn’t do it anymore. If I had to choose between hockey and being openly myself, I knew that this time around I’d choose differently._

_You know, of course I want what so many of my teammates have. I want a spouse to come home to, someone who will miss me when I’m away on the road and will welcome me back with open arms. I want that, so so much._

_But, more than that… Coming out -facing my fear- it’s given me what I’ve always wanted. I’m not alone anymore. For the first time I’m not hiding who I am. I am me, unapologetically, and it’s fucking fantastic. And not one person has turned their back on me, like I’d always thought would happen. That’s not to say it won’t ever happen, but now I know, when I tell my family, my closest friends, my teammates, I know that it’s much more likely I’ll be embraced for who I really am than rejected._

_I’ve had to give up a lot of things to play hockey, I just don’t think I should give up that part of my life anymore._

Holy fuck. 

Eric leaned back, accidentally banged his head against the headboard, and let his phone slip from his grip. 

He wasn’t sleeping now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that at this time Zucker would have already been in Pittsburgh but *hand waving motion* just ignore that trade by a few weeks. 😅
> 
> More importantly, I just wanted to wish everyone a happy New Year! I hope this new year brings you good health and happiness. : )


	8. Island Smiles And Cardigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff and Eric enjoy a kiss in a car park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pull up those 2011 greatest hits playlists and settle in : )

FRIDAY OCTOBER 28, 2011   
RALEIGH, NC

“What do you mean you aren’t coming out with us tonight?” Sutter pouted and gave Jeff his best puppy dog eyes. He’d just finished changing and had crammed his way into Jeff’s stall trying to convince him to change his mind. 

Jeff rolled his eyes. He and Sutter went out after almost every win and even after some of the losses. He thought that Sutter could survive one night without him. He loved living in Carolina, but it was annoying as fuck going out in the States when he was still under 21. Besides, he had plans tonight. 

He didn’t tell Sutter that.

“I’m underage,” Jeff told him, as if Sutter didn’t already know that and that that fact alone would prevent him from going out.

“And?” Sutter replied, unimpressed. 

“And I don’t feel like sneaking drinks all night, dude.” Jeff shoved Sutter’s shoulder playfully. “It’s not like you’re going by yourself. More than half the team is going out.” Jeff let his eyes roam around the locker room as if to emphasize his point. 

“Yes, but not _you._ Who am I going to dance with now?” Sutter whined. 

“Staalsy?” Jeff suggested, trying valiantly to suppress his laughter. 

“Dick. You know none of these old guys dance.” 

“Hey!” Cam said, from somewhere over in the corner, and now Jeff laughed openly. 

“I wasn’t talking about you! But if you think it applies, well!” Sutter yelled, rolling his brown eyes again. He shook his head and in a softer tone of voice he continued. “Like Cam does anything but throw back some beers before heading home to his wife. He’s probably never danced a day in his life.” 

“I’m pretty sure he did at his wedding,” Eric interjected as he walked past Jeff’s stall. Sutter reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him from walking away. 

“Skins said you’d save a dance for me tonight since he isn’t coming out.”

“Oh, he did?” Eric asked, sounding more than a little amused. He raised his brows at the pair of them before winking at Jeff.

Jeff blushed and looked down.

“Yeah he did. So when that new Lady Gaga song comes on your ass is mine.”

Eric barked out a laugh. “I don’t even know what song you’re referring to, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not going out tonight either.”

“Ugh, you too?” Sutter whined.

“I have plans,” Eric said with a shrug. Jeff could feel Eric’s eyes on him, but Jeff kept his on Sutter. Jeff knew he’d give them away if he met Eric’s gaze right now. 

“But I scored!” 

“You do that all the time,” Eric reasoned.

Sutter spluttered, “B-but, Cam got a shutout!” 

“That also happens fairly often.”

“Staaler, come on! Don’t leave me hanging. I need your support, as my captain.” Sutter was pulling his puppy eyes out again, but this time they were directed at Eric. Eric softened, and rested a hand on Sutter’s shoulder. 

“Next time, Sutts. I really do have plans tonight.” 

Sutter nodded but then latched on to what Eric was saying. “ _You?_ You never have plans.” Sutter fished his cell phone out of his pocket, opened up his camera, and started fixing his hair. He cast a side glance at Eric. “Going home to watch Survivor or whatever old boring people watch doesn't count as plans.” 

Eric huffed out a laugh. “First off, I’m only five years older than you, dumb ass. Second, my plans are none of your business, you nosy fucker, but Survivor is definitely not in the cards.” 

Sutter closed his camera app and put away his phone, all while Jeff tried unsuccessfully to contain his blush. Watching tv was about the last thing Jeff wanted to be doing tonight, especially when they had a win and Eric’s birthday to celebrate. Eric had decided that they’d celebrate tonight, a day early, since they couldn’t celebrate just the two of them on his actual birthday tomorrow. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s hard to remember that when you’re acting like you’re fucking forty all the time.” 

Jeff could feel his blush crawling down the back of his neck now, no way to suppress it. He knew it was probably a little fucked up, but talking about Eric’s age, especially how much older he was than him or Sutter, got him hot. Jeff chanced a glance at Eric, and by the look on his face, he knew exactly what Jeff was thinking.

“You got a new girl, Staal?” Sutter asked with a sly grin. He was unfailingly always down for some gossip.

Jeff choked on air at the question, and grabbed one of the water bottles he kept in his stall. What was Eric possibly going to say to _that?_

“Hmm,” Eric hummed. He tilted his head back and forth in contemplation as Jeff sat with bated breath. He knew the answer to Sutter’s question, yet he had no idea what Eric was going to say. 

“Something like that,” Eric said with a smirk. 

“Oh,” Sutter said, taken aback by his answer. “Okay then. You’re allowed a free pass for missing out on tonight then.”

“Oh, thank god. I was worried,” Eric said sarcastically. 

“Next time you won’t be so lucky,” Sutter said, staring him down. He cracked his knuckles, and his neck, before looking back up to Eric. “But, have fun tonight with your… whatever.” 

“Oh,” Eric said, looking straight at Jeff, “We will.”

Jeff felt light headed as Eric walked away. He was used to Eric being secretive, and seeing him so open with how excited he was to spend his night with Jeff was something he hadn’t realized he wanted. Jeff tried to subtly take a deep breath and calm the fuck down, but that seemed nearly impossible since he’d gotten half hard just from the wink Eric’d given him earlier. That conversation, well, let’s just say Jeff was happy he’d had a whole season's worth of practice hiding Eric-induced locker room boners. 

“I expect updates!” Sutter called after him.

Eric laughed brightly as he said, “You wont get them,” over his shoulder. 

“Asshole,” Sutter murmured before looking back at Jeff.

“Eric has a girlfriend, eh? You know anything about that?” He asked. 

Jeff felt like he was on fire, and as he squirmed in his stall, he knew his cheeks were ablaze with his blush. Play it cool, Jeff told himself. “Why would I know anything about that?” 

Sutter looked at him like he was crazy, and Jeff knew in that moment that he was about to get caught out. Sutter knew. He knew about him and Eric and he was about to announce it in front of the whole locker room. Before Jeff could speak, Sutter said, “Because you're his rookie? Duh.”

_Oh._

Sutter continued. “You guys are almost as close as him and Cam. Oh!” Sutter’s face lit up with the prospect of a plan. “I bet Cam knows.”

Jeff knew Cam definitely didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to tell Sutter that. 

“Maybe you could buy him a beer tonight and find out?” Jeff suggested. 

“Good idea,” Sutter agreed, nodding. 

“Ready to go?” Eric called to Jeff as he idled by the doorway of the locker room. 

“Yeah, coming!” Jeff said, getting up, out of his stall. 

“What?” Sutter said, looking between Jeff and Eric. “You going on Staal’s date to chaperone? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?” He asked. 

“Ha Ha, Suttsy,” Jeff forced out. “Very funny. No, he was my ride to the game.” 

He shook his head at Jeff. “You need to get a car down here and stop bumming rides, Skinny. One day that trucks going to break down and you're both going to be shit out of luck.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve said. I’m working on it!” Jeff said, sliding his bag over his shoulder. 

“Enjoy your night!” he said, leaving Sutter in his stall.

“I’ll try. Next time you’re coming with me!”

***

“A new girlfriend, huh?” Jeff asked, as the hand resting on his lower back guided him into the car park. 

Eric looked too amused for his own good. “Yeah, I think I do,” Eric said, stopping to push one of Jeff’s curls back behind his ear. 

“Eric,” Jeff said shyly, looking around. After scanning the car park, he found that they were alone.

“Since when are you so shy, baby?” Eric asked, tucking another curl behind Jeff’s ear, before resting his hand possessively on Jeff’s neck. Jeff leaned into his touch. 

“I’m not shy,” Jeff softly protested, looking down at the concrete floor before batting his eyelashes and shrugging at Eric. “Just… You’re the one always saying we need to be careful.”

“Hmm… that is true,” Eric said, his thumb tracing over Jeff’s bottom lip. 

“Eric,” Jeff exhaled. 

“You were beautiful out there tonight, sweetheart,” Eric said. 

“I didn’t even score,” Jeff mumbled, unable to meet Eric’s gaze. He wasn’t used to this Eric. An Eric who praised him and touched him so sweetly in public. Jeff felt like he’d just washed up to shore, spit out of a hurricane, unable to know sea from sand or up from down.

“The night’s not over yet,” Eric mused. 

Jeff’s knees buckled in surprise. They hadn’t done _that_ yet, gone that far. Jeff didn’t even know if Eric was talking about it really, but just the idea of Eric finally getting inside of him made him melt. 

“Oh, baby,” Eric whispered, kissing his temple as he backed Jeff against the closest car. Eric crowded against him and Jeff could feel that he wasn’t the only one affected by the idea. 

“Eric,” Jeff said as he kissed his way up the column of his neck, “Let’s get out of here. I need...,” Jeff struggled with the next words. He couldn’t tell Eric what he really needed. He needed to get fucked, but he couldn’t look Eric in the eyes and tell him that he needed him to fill him up when at any moment one of their teammates could round the corner and see them. Jeff could maybe say that after he’d come at least once, and they were in the privacy of Eric’s home, but here, in the car park, there’s no way he was opening himself up to that. 

“What do you need, honey?” Eric said, tilting Jeff’s chin up so he’d meet his eyes. 

“Eric,” Jeff pleaded. He slipped past Eric’s grip and buried his face in Eric’s neck. Jeff started mouthing at his collar, unable to voice what he wanted so badly. 

“Oh, Jeff, baby, you’re so shy tonight. It’s okay,” Eric said, consoling him as he rubbed circles into Jeff’s back to sooth him. 

“You don’t have to say. I think I know what you need, sweetheart, and I’m gonna give it to you, yeah?” Eric’s gentle fingers tilted Jeff’s head back up so to face him. “Is that what you want?”

Jeff nodded. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. But more than that, he felt like he was about to-

“I’m gonna come,” Jeff said, interrupting his own thoughts. 

Eric laughed, surprised. It surprised Jeff too. 

“Not yet, you’re not,” Eric told him firmly as he snaked a hand down Jeff’s body to his crotch. “I haven’t even got my mouth on you yet.” Eric’s fingers traced over the bulge in Jeff’s pants, and, after giving him a quick squeeze, let him go completely. 

Eric cradled Jeff’s face between the palms of his hands and licked his way into Jeff’s mouth. Jeff groaned, and let Eric take what he wanted. He’d never ever get tired of being Eric’s. 

As Eric’s lips kissed along the red of his cheeks and then nibbled on his earlobe, Jeff caught his breath. He looked over Eric’s shoulder, and scanned the car park, worried they’d be caught. Eric, apparently, wasn’t concerned about the prospect, though all of their teammates would surely be leaving the locker room any minute and making their way to their cars. Still, even with that worry in mind, Jeff was surprised when he actually saw someone. 

Jeff sucked in a breath, and pulled Eric’s body closer against his, unknowingly protecting him. 

“Yeah?” Eric said, continuing to suck a hickey just behind the ear he’d been nibbling on. 

“Yeah,” Jeff said absentmindedly. He watched as the person turned and made their way back to the arena. Jeff would have recognized them anywhere.

Jonathan Toews. 

Jonathan Toews had just spotted them and hadn’t said a damn thing. Had actually turned around and left them alone, like he was giving them, Jeff didn’t even know, privacy? Jeff felt immensely lucky all of a sudden that it was Toews that spotted them, since he knew that Toews himself was gay. Everyone knew that, since he’d come out years ago.

Jeff felt lucky, but he also knew when it was time to pack it in and not press his luck.

“Eric,” Jeff said, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Toews wouldn’t say anything, Jeff was sure of it. 

There was no reason to burden Eric with it at all. 

“Yeah, baby. Let’s go home,” Eric said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why the fuck did Taylor Hall wait to join the Sabres until this season??? He would be so perfect in this fic, ughhhh. Catch me trying to add him in in the most unsubtle way possible. lol
> 
> Just a little fyi, I updated that this fic will be 15 chapters long! I finally forced myself to stop reworking the outline and just lock it down, and I am so excited to finish up the second half of this fic!!! It has been so much fun to write and I hope just as much fun to read. 
> 
> btw, sorry this chapter was delayed! I always try to post wed/thursday but wasn’t able to get it done last week. I’m def going to try to stick to that posting schedule, especially with hockey season coming up! I’m excited to watch our boys (I’m literally trying to follow five teams this season lol) but don’t want it to interfere with the momentum I have going with my writing. 
> 
> thanks again to everyone reading, plus those leaving comments + kudos. I was blown away by the love y'all showed last chapter! <3


	9. Run Away And I'll Understand It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff finds freedom (and new limitations) in facing his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember Jeff?? Well, he’s back now. Sorry, Eric.

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 23, 2020  
BUFFALO, NY 

Jack sent out a message in the team group chat after everyone left Jeff’s apartment last night. 

“Closed door meeting before practice tomorrow morning. I expect to see everyone there.” 

It had sounded ominous, and if Jeff hadn’t known what the meeting was about, he’d be scared shitless. That’s the problem when you’re a shit team and you're looking down the barrel of the trade deadline. This meeting could be about a million different things, trades, team performance, etc, but it wasn’t. It was about Jeff. 

But, know one knew that yet. 

Well, the players who just left his apartment did, but still. The rookies were at least in the dark. 

After coming out to who he’d deemed the leadership group in Buffalo last night, Jeff had realized he wanted to come out to the whole team before the article dropped. It seemed like the best way. The guys had handled the news much better than Jeff had expected, especially after Jack’s reaction, so he was feeling optimistic. Not too optimistic, but enough to make him want to tell the whole team.

They were going to find out anyway.

Better to let them know in person beforehand, Jeff reasoned, so they wouldn’t feel betrayed afterward. He knew it wasn’t his responsibility to tell them. He didn’t owe them that. They were coworkers. Jeff didn’t owe his coworkers anything but a good workplace performance and a healthy attitude. 

Jeff rolled his eyes inwardly. 

His team had never been just work to him though, which is a fact he couldn’t escape. He had a problem with seeing the guys he spent most of his day to day life with as just work companions. They were his friends, his brothers, one even a lover, and Jeff felt that deep in his bones. So, he wanted to tell them about this huge part of his life that he’d been hiding, wanted this reveal to come from him, not because he owed it to them, but because he loved them and he wanted their support.

Which is why he’d told Jack to send out that text last night and why they were all here now, dressed in an array of street clothes, sweats, and beanies, sitting in their stalls, waiting for Jack to start the meeting. Jack had promised he wouldn’t start the meeting until they all got there, knowing it would only be harder on Jeff if someone walked in midconversation and Jeff had to start all over.

Jeff was in his stall, trying to prepare himself for a moment he’d thought would only ever happen in his nightmares. But, Jeff had willingly decided to come out, and willingly decided to share this with the team. He couldn’t wake from this, when it was he himself who brought it all about. 

Sweat collected on the back of his neck. 

He wanted to do this, he repeated over and over to himself. He brushed a hand through his slightly damp curls. The hard part was already over, he reasoned, since he’d already done the article. In actuality, he knew that the hard parts were just beginning, but he pushed that aside. 

Better to stay positive. 

Reinhart walked by his stall then, and discreetly put a hand over one of Jeff’s to still it. Jeff hadn’t even realized he’d been shaking. “It’ll be okay,” he mumbled out softly, not wanting to be overheard. Jeff gave him a weak smile in gratitude. Sam’s beaming smile reassured him. 

Jeff was more than grateful to see it, especially after last night. Jeff, having no real experience with coming out to his friends besides Jack, had just blurted it out the second everyone had gotten settled in Jeff’s living room. He had been hovering by his tv, like he couldn’t quite decide if they should watch something or he should start up his PS4, when he’d turned around to face them and just said, “So, I’m gay.” The silence that had descended on the room had been deafening, but before Jeff had even a second to process it, he’d been lifted off the ground and wrapped in a bear hug. 

“Congratulations!!!!!!!” Sam had sing-screamed in his ear as he tightened his grip around Jeff. 

Jeff, bewildered, had stayed stock still until Sam had put him back on the ground. “I’m so happy for you!” Reino had said. 

The rest had followed with words of acceptance as well as -even if not on par with Sam- excitement. It was more than Jeff could have expected and hoped for, and the main reason why he’d gotten through the night last night and driven to practice safely this morning. 

Last night had been a lot and there’d been eight of them. Now, Jeff was looking at close to thirty. 

He just hoped it’d go as well. 

“Do you think Eichel was traded?” Jeff overheard Dahlin whisper worriedly to his d-partner, Montour. Jeff felt a pang of guilt for making them worry, but it eased slightly when Montour all but laughed in response. 

“Trust me when I say you don’t need to worry about that, kid,” Montour said, placing a comforting hand on Dahlin’s shoulder. 

Jeff was glad to see the simple show of support, and hoped he’d be offered the same kindness. 

Jack clapped his hands three times, distracting Jeff from his thoughts. 

“Everyone shut up, let’s start this thing already,” Jack said, standing in front of his stall with a slight smirk on his face. Jeff rolled his eyes fondly at how Jack personified his public image so exactly. He had the arrogance and charm that only an American would have. He was _so_ American. 

Jack’s tone suggested that he wasn’t actually upset, but the room fell silent at once anyway, with all eyes landing on Jack. 

“Sorry to get you up so early, and I know everyone’s stressed for the upcoming deadline, but there’s something that we have to talk about as a team today.”

Jeff’s fingers twitched in anticipation. 

“Are you leaving us, Eichs?” Jimmy Vesey teasingly called out. Jack laughed, his smile causing his eyes to crinkle in the corners. 

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Jack joked, while Jimmy laughed. 

“No, I’m sorry to say I’m not leaving ya. Sorry Jimmy, but I can’t do that. You’d die without me.” Jack shook his head. “I can’t leave you. It’d be fucking inhumane.” 

Jeff laughed as well as the rest of the room. He was thankful that Jack was trying. As serious as this was, Jeff wanted it to be something to celebrate, not dread. Someone wasn’t outing him without his consent, he was choosing to do this of his own free will. He needed to remind himself that this was a good thing. So, it was good that Jack was getting the room laughing. 

Jack let the laughter continue for another beat before calling everyone’s attention once again. 

“Okay, shut the fuck up again, already,” Jack laughed. “I’m laughing, but this is fucking serious.”

That shut the room up real quick. Jeff saw confusion forming on the faces of the rookies, and Jeff felt bad. Again. But, they’d know soon enough.

“I need everyone to turn their phones off,” Jack stated. 

“You can't be serious,” Montour said in disbelief. 

Jack turned to Montour’s stall and, with crossed arms, said, “I’m serious, and, because of that, you're gonna turn them off and Hutton’s gonna come round and collect them.”

Jeff watched as Montour put his hands up in a show of defeat before fishing his phone out of his pocket. He heard grumbles from around the room, and a few dramatic sighs, but everyone relented, and when Hutton passed in front of their stall, everyone handed over their phone. 

“Now, before you get any more freaked out, no, I’m not leaving,” Jack reassured them again. “This isn’t about the deadline either. You guys know I have no knowledge of the coming and goings and it’s best we keep it that way. Nothing we can do about that situation, we got no control over it.” 

“You got all the phones?” Jack interrupted himself to ask. 

“Yeah,” Hutton said, shoving their collection of phones to the back of his stall. 

“Okay.” Jack nodded, and took a deep breath. “This isn't about team performance either. I know we’re trying our hardest out there and busting our fucking asses. It’s a fucking lot of work to be a successful team, but lord knows it’s harder to be a shit one. I’m amazed at the strength and resilience you all have shown this season. I know it’s frustrating. It’s hard coming to this rink every day and I know that.” 

Jeff nodded with the rest of the guys, attempting to stop himself from getting misty eyed. It _was_ hard. It was a common misconception that bad teams just weren’t trying hard enough or were lazy, but sometimes, Jeff thought, they were maybe trying _too_ hard. 

“So,” Jack began again, “I want to thank you for putting the work in and believing in ourselves, in this team, and having faith that we’re going to turn this ship around, because we are. We are. We have too much skill and too much fucking passion to do otherwise.”

Jeff nodded again, silently agreeing. It was incredibly tolling playing night after night, busting your ass, when you know that, even if you win, nothing will come of it. They’d missed their chance because of crap play at the start. Even if they won every single game from here on out Jeff doubted it would make a difference. 

“But,” Jack said, interrupting Jeff’s thoughts. “This isn’t about that. I actually called this meeting on Skinny’s account, so let’s hear what he’s got to say.” 

And like that, all eyes turned to Jeff.

Fuck. 

Jeff could feel sweat dripping down his back as he rose on shaky legs. He stood up, because Jack had been when he was talking and he thought that was what was expected of him. His legs were shaking steadily and his hands were trembling and he probably looked like he was seconds away from collapsing into his stall, but he was doing this. He took a deep breath, gathered all the courage he could muster, and forced a weak smile. He could do this. 

“So, guys,” Jeff began weakly, before clearing his throat, and continuing on with faux confidence. “I gotta tell you something. And, well, I hope, I really hope none of you are gonna be disappointed.” Jeff shook his head, the words were already coming out the wrong way. “What I mean to say is that, really, I hope everyone’s going to be happy for me, but-”

“I thought signing an eight year contract meant you couldn't leave us?” Jokiharju interrupted to ask.

“No, it just means they need his permission before moving him,” McCabe said, the glint in his eyes easy for Jeff to spot. He already knew what Jeff was going to say, having found out last night, and was all too amused to tease the younger guys. Jeff rolled his eyes at Jake before giving him a smile. 

“No. No, I’m not leaving,” Jeff reassured them like Eichel had, and started to laugh at the absurdity of it all. The last thing he was going to do was move teams.

“I haven’t been traded. Buffalo is my team now. You're my team, my family,” Jeff said, smiling around the room. A few people cheered, making Jeff giggle some more. 

As his giggles subsided, he took a deep breath. This was it, he told himself. The time had come and it was finally time for him to tell his team the truth about his sexuality, once and for all. He looked around the room once more and found smiling, encouraging faces reflected back at him. Jack was nodding for him to go on and Reino was giving him a thumbs up. He knew, without a doubt, it was time. 

“This isn't actually about hockey, really,” Jeff began. “Well, it is, but it really shouldn’t be.”

“Some of you guys I've known for a long time, others only a short while, but we’re a team. And, as my team, I wanted to let you know something about me that I haven’t shared with many people. I’m gay.” 

Jeff drew in a deep breath and released it. “Yes, it’s true. I’ve said it. I’m gay. And, I don't know if that’s a surprise to some, or if maybe you might have suspected, but it's the truth and I want you to know moving forward I’ll live my life in accordance with that. I’m not hiding who I am any longer, which is why, probably right after practice or during, at noon today, there's an article coming out about me.”

“About…?” A wide eyed Okposo interrupted to ask.

“Yes,” Jeff answered him. “It’s about my sexuality and navigating that while playing professional hockey. I worked with someone who I’ve known a long time in Carolina, and I know she’s done right by me. I’m telling you now, because I want you to know, but also because I didn’t want you to be blindsided when it came out. I know that questions are going to arise, of course, and you can feel free to ask me. You also know the media is going to have a field day with this, so my advice is be honest with journalists, but also know that it’s none of their fucking buisness. You can tell them that this doesn't affect us as a team or our performance, and know that I want that to be true. I mean it when I say that.” 

Jeff ran a hand through his sweat damp curls once again, before closing with, “I just hope you treat me the same as you always have. I’m the same man as I was ten minutes ago, you just know more about me now.”

Nauseous with the fear of being cast out, Jeff stood silently waiting for whatever came his way. 

“That's it?” Conor Sheary asked, laughing in disbelief. 

“Hey,” Jack warned. Jeff watched with wide eyes as Jack stood up and looked like he was getting ready to, Jeff didn’t even know, fight or something right here in the locker room when Conor waved him off.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Sheary told Jeff with sincere, pleading eyes. “I know I shouldn't say that. But,” He broke off to laugh again. “Holy fuck. With all this cloak and dagger shit I expected something,” Conor wiped tears out of his eyes, “More. I don’t know what, but man, something more than that.” 

Sheary laughed again, like it was uncontainable. When he’d regained some semblance of control, he told Jeff, “I’m really happy for you, honest, and I’m glad you trusted us enough to tell us now, but this... I’m just like, that’s it?”

That's it?

The biggest moment of Jeff’s life and Conor says _that’s it_. Like it’s nothing. Like it’s grabbing breakfast or joining a card game on the plane. Like he’s indifferent to the fact. Like it changes nothing. And Jeff, well, of all the reactions that could have happened, Jeff didn’t mind that. 

That’s it. 

Jeff just had to laugh at that. So, he did.

Laughter, unbridled and uncontrollable, crawled its way from Jeff’s throat. He laughed and laughed and feeling light headed, he put his arm out to brace himself against the side of his stall. His laughter made way to his signature giggles, and as he giggled, unable to stop even if he wanted to, he almost felt crazy with it. 

“Dude, I think you broke him,” Jimmy stage whispered. 

Jeff nodded, attempted to speak, but instead just laughed harder at that. 

Forced laughter sprang up around the room, while worried glances were cast about. 

Concerned, Jack strode across the room and rubbed Jeff’s back, but Jeff shrugged him off, finally able to compose himself. 

“I’m fine. Jesus. I just,” Jeff let out a giggle, pressing his palms against his leaking eyes in an attempt to gain control of himself. “It’s one of the biggest moments of my life and it’s met with ‘That’s it?’”

“Shit, Skinny, I’m sorry. So sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just-” Sheary said, before Jeff waved him off.

“No, no. I get it. I know what you mean. I’ve just been so afraid to tell anyone, fearing the worst about what their reaction would be that I'd never thought it’d be indifference. Like, acceptance, but also just not giving a fuck about it.”

Jeff smiled and it was the first true one he’d let himself have that day, nothing forced about it. He let himself laugh as he collapsed into his stall, exhausted with it all. It was all so much more than he had expected. 

“We’re glad you told us, Skins, but it was never about us. Telling us is about you. We just want you to know that we support you,” Reino said. 

“Don’t worry about the reporters, Skinner. We can handle them. ‘No comment.’ ‘We’re proud of him.’ It really doesn’t seem that hard,” McCabe said. 

“We support you, Jeff,” Dahlin said. 

“We all do,” Jack added. 

“Thank you. Seriously, thank you. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to tell all of you.”

“I’m happy for you Skinny, but I gotta ask, a closed door meeting and an article coming out. Does Botterill know? Or Krueger?” Montour asked. 

“Uhhh... Well, not exactly,” Jeff said, blushing at the light laughter he got in return. 

“I was kinda worried they’d talk me out of it,” Jeff explained. 

“Good,” Montour said. 

Jeff cocked his head in a wordless question. 

“I mean, just, good that you didn’t. They definitely would have talked you out of it. There are plenty of players out in the league now, but there’s never been one in Buffalo. I’m not saying they won’t be accepting. I’m just saying that most people don’t like change,” Montour explained. 

Jeff knew that he’d come from Anaheim where warring personalities ran red hot, and he wondered if he had experience with an organization not too sure what side of history they wanted to be on. 

“Yeah, thank you,” Jeff nodded. “I, yeah, I agree, obviously.”

“Which is why it’s so important that what was just said doesn’t leave this room,” Jack cut in. “No one else, besides Jeff’s family, knows about this, and we’re going to keep it that way until Jeff’s article is published.”

Jack crammed himself into Jeff’s stall, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“We all got a job to do. Remember, it’s just a normal day at practice. Don’t do anything that will leave the coaches with questions.”

“Now,” Jack said, giving Jeff a strong pat on the back before standing up. “It’s about time for the coaches and training staff to start arriving, so I’m gonna open up the locker room. Not a word of this will leave this room, for Jeff’s sake. Let’s show him our support right off the bat, yeah guys?” 

Sticks, the stray ones they had in the locker room, were tapped, and the guys hollered in agreement. McCabe strolled over, motioned for Jeff to scooch over in his stall, and sat beside Jeff. 

“Anything for our sweet baby Jeff,” Jake said, wrapping an arm around Jeff’s shoulders and bringing him into a hug. 

***

“Did you know about this?” Botterill asked his agent, Don Meehan, and Jeff thought it was tinged with accusation.

Jeff had gotten a call as he’d been driving home from practice telling him that he needed to turn his ass back around and that he had some explaining to do. Jeff, resigned, had known better than to think this could be avoided. So, here he was, crammed in an office with Don, Jack, Botterill, and Krueger grateful as fuck the owner wasn’t present on spearker phone as well. 

“No,” Don told him honestly. While Botterill was sitting behind his desk with Krueger standing beside him, Jeff sat on the other side, Jack standing by his side, and Don standing behind him. Jeff thought about how it was all too amusing how quickly the line in the sand could be drawn. 

Botterill rounded in on Jack. “Did you?”

“Yes,” Jack said, plainly. 

“Jesus,” Botterill said, exasperated.

“Jeff had no obligation to reveal his sexuality to you. I know you might be surprised, but personal feelings aside, this changes nothing. If you try to go back on his contract, you will be slapped with the biggest discrimination lawsuite you can imagine,” Don said, making Jeff feel more than grateful that he’d chosen him to represent him. 

Botterill waved away Don’s words. “Calm down, we aren’t doing anything like that. This here is just a friendly conversation.”

Jack snorted.

Botterill looked Jack’s way, but was undeterred as he began speaking again. “We just need to manage this situation. Being blindsided like this, it makes us look bad, like Jeff didn’t trust us enough to tell us.”

“That’s because…” Jack trailed off. 

Botterill put his hand up to silence him. “Though that may be true, that’s not the kind of image we want out there. We accept Jeff completely. That’s our path forward, as last year we made it clear that Jeff was an intrical part of our franchise's future. We aren’t going back on that. Instead, it’s time to double down. This team, this entire franchise, needs to be the picture of inclusivity. That’s why you both are doing a press conference tonight.” 

“What?” Jeff spoke, finally. He didn’t know how he felt about the front office’s forced acceptance. He’d hoped it would have come because of some moral responsibility rather than being shaped by the public’s eye. 

“At six,” Botterill said. 

“But…” Jeff let the word hang there, his confusion more than evident. 

Botterill, unbothered with Jeff’s obvious confusion, spelled it out for them. “The two of you are going to go out there and represent this team in the best way possible. Jeff, you’ll talk about the article and Jack’ll be there supporting you. It’s a win win.” Botterill wiped his hands together, like he was washing himself of the conversation. 

Jeff was shocked still. He’d had one moment of freedom, the smallest taste of it, and already people were stepping in to put into place new restrictions on his life, wanting to dictate how Jeff should act. 

“No way,” Jack said, shaking his head. “I’m not doing that. That’s going to look ridiculous and demeaning. What am I going to say? ‘Hi, I’m the straight teammate here to reassure you that Jeff being gay is okay. Trust me, because I’m straight and you can believe me.’ No, that’s a horrible look.”

“But,” Botterill began to protest. 

“I’m not doing it,” Jack said, an air of finality in his words. Jeff was immensely grateful he had Jack by his side. Doing a press conference was one thing, but having Jack there, it was offensive. Jeff wouldn’t do it. 

It wasn’t like he really had a choice though. In this, he really had no say at all. 

“Jeff, what do you want?” Don asked, trying to bring the focus back on his client. 

“I want to be able to catch the Canes Islander game tonight to prep for this week, but that doesn't look like it’s happening.”

Don laughed.

“I’ll do the press conference,” Jeff said, barely able to force the words out, wanting to do anything but that. He didn’t think his sexuality was something reporters should be lining up to ask questions about, but here he was. He wouldn’t go silently into the night though, not without a fight. “But without Jack. He’s right. It’s demeaning. Being toted out and forced to explain my sexuality is demeaning enough, but I’ll do it.” 

“Jeff, we aren’t trying to do that. But, as an organization-” Botterill said. 

“You need to get ahead of this,” Jeff finished for him. “I know. You’ve said. I’ll do it. But I’m not addressing my sexuality again after this, unless it’s on my terms.”

“Okay, well, we can discuss that later, but-” Botterill said, only to be interrupted again.

“No, we won't be discussing it later,” Don said, defending his client. 

“I’ll do this because I have to, for the organization, but never again. My sexuality has nothing to do with my play, and I won’t let myself be defined by that,” Jeff said, standing his ground. 

“What about Hockey Is For Everyone and all of that?” Botterill asked. 

“No,” Jeff said firmly. “I didn’t sign up to be a poster boy, I signed here to play some hockey and win the cup.” 

“But you _did_ sign here to be a face of the franchise. Part of that is-” 

Don put his hands on Jeff’s shoulders, and, interrupting Boterill again, said, “We’ll discuss this at a later time. Let’s just worry about the press conference and go from there.” 

Reluctantly, everyone agreed, and Jeff and Jack were released. Jeff tore himself away from Don’s hands the second he could, and didn’t feel any regret at the way he’d desperately ripped open the door to escape. 

Fuck that and fuck them. 

Jeff was furious at how they could dictate his life without a concern for what Jeff wanted. He fumed as he strode down the back halls on his way out to the car park. He just wanted to get the fuck out of here. And, of course, they’d let him go, knowing better than to infer any longer with Jeff right now. Besides, they had gotten what they wanted. There wasn’t really much more that needed to be said. Jeff would be here tonight, willing and unwilling. 

“Jeff, hold on,” Jack said, jogging up beside him as Jeff yanked his car door open. 

“What?”

“Shit, Jeff. That was awful. I’m sorry. I just,” Jack paused, trying to catch his breath. He must have ran to catch up with Jeff. “Let me come back with you to your place. You shouldn’t be alone right now. This is a lot for anyone.” 

“I’m fine,” Jeff said, like any person ever did when they were decidedly not fine. “I just want to go home.”

“Okay,” Jack relented, not wanting to force Jeff into doing another thing he didn’t want to. “Just, call me if you need me. Promise me.” 

“I will,” Jeff promised. 

Jeff got in his car, and drove home for the second time that day. As he drove, he heard the beeping of notifications popping up on his phone. He turned his music up louder. 

Drained, Jeff collapsed on his couch the second he got into his condo. His phone had been blowing up with notifications the entire way home, and he didn’t know if he could deal with the fall out right now. Seconds passed, the notifications steadily came in, and resigned, Jeff embraced inevitability. 

He picked up his phone with caution, handling his phone like a live bomb, ready to blow at any second, and swiped his thumb across it to check his notifications. 

Jeff couldn’t even let himself be surprised by what he saw. 

Close to 200 texts, a little over 60 missed calls, and hundreds upon hundreds of social media notifications. Jeff was exhausted by the sheer number of them all. 

He thumbed up his texts, and scrolled over all the names. It looked like an All Star roster. Boeser, Patrick, Marner, Crosby to name a few. In between it all were messages from his family, of course, and guys back home. There were tons of messages from all the Carolina boys. Every one of the messages a showing of their support.

Jeff took a moment to soak it all in. He was grateful, but didn’t open any of them. He didn’t feel up to responding to any of them. And, in actuality, he realized deep down that he was looking for one name in particular that he hadn’t scrolled across yet. Not that it really mattered, he tried to tell himself. Jeff knew how he felt already. He cleared his head, not wanting to dwell on it. It didn’t matter what he thought. He continued scrolling before stopping on the name he’d thought he’d been searching for before realizing it was a slight variation. He opened the messages anyway.

Jeff rolled his eyes fondly when he read the contact name, really read it, remembering Jordan’s first practice with the Canes and how, afterward in the room, he’d made his rounds and added his number to everyone’s phone and made that his contact. Jeff couldn’t help but smile at the memory, but he felt his heart clinch when he read the messages. 

**The Best Staal (Jordan! Fucking! Staal!):** I’m proud of you, brother! Honestly couldn’t be more proud. Drop me a line if you feel like talking. I’m here for ya

 **The Best Staal (Jordan! Fucking! Staal!):** About dinner this week. Let me know if you want to order in instead. Either way I’m excited to see ya.

Jeff sent back a red heart and thumbs up emoji, too tired for words, before he closed out of his texts and went to his missed calls, searching for Eric’s name but coming up empty. Jeff didn’t know what to think. Deep down, he knew he’d expected something from Eric. A text or phone call. Angry or supportive. Something. But what he got was nothing. Just more nothing. That was all Eric ever gave him. Silence. 

Annoyed at himself, pissed at Botterill, and beyond frustrated at Eric, Jeff let himself stew and gave into the self-destructive urge to check his own press and mentions. He thumbed open twitter, and tapped on the bell icon at the bottom to check his mentions. He scrolled through the tweets, now almost at a thousand, all of them about Jeff. There were the professional ones simply talking about the article’s existence. The news of the press conference had already been released so others were discussing that and predicting what might happen tonight. 

Then, there were the fan tweets. So many of them were tweeting their support, while, at the same time, so many talked about how he was just a distraction. Some, the worst ones Jeff had read so far, even hypothesized Jeff did this simply to take people's attention away from his point drought. It was absurd and humiliating and it only made Jeff feel worse. Reading people’s tweets debating his motives for coming out or whether he was telling the truth about his sexuality made him nauseous. 

All the confidence Jeff had gained from the support he’d felt this morning had been squandered by the front office meeting and the sight of his mentions. He continued to scroll, though he knew he’d only be making it worse, when he stumbled upon a certain tweet that he’d known to expect but had dreaded all the same. 

@Skinnnnnnylove53: 10 signs jeff skinner was gay that we all ignored. A thread:

Attached to the tweet were two photos, one from when he’d done some figure skating in his Canes’ uniform, and the other from his rookie days of him smiling broadly with Sutter’s arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. 

Jeff closed his eyes, defeated. He couldn’t bear to see more. Didn’t want to see the ten reasons or the replies to it. He knew they were trying to be funny but fuck, if it wasn’t funny at all. He knew they meant well, had even seen multiple tweets of theirs in which they showed their support, but this. This was just too much. 

Jack had been right. Of course he had been. Jeff understood his worry all too well now. Jeff almost felt bad about brushing off Jack’s worry from when Jeff told him last night what he was planning, but he couldn’t muster it.

The article, his team, the organization, his fans, the others who were decidedly not his fans, all of it was just too much for Jeff to handle. 

Jeff pressed his palms against his eyes, wanting everything to just disappear. 

Is this really better than before? He wondered. Was Eric right all along?

Jeff took a deep breath as he tried to calm his breathing. He felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack. 

Things were better, he knew they were. Maybe not right now, but they would be. It’d all blow over, he was just overwhelmed. He wasn’t seeing things clearly right now. He needed help. 

With bleary eyes, Jeff picked up his phone again, this time to call Jack.  
*** 

Jeff kind of regretted calling Jack now. 

Eichs had appointed Reinhart and Sheary to babysit him while he got ready for his presser. Jeff knew it was supposed to be a show of support, having two puppy dog positives hanging about him, but he also felt like they were there to prevent him from fleeing, which he desperately wanted to do right now. 

He briefly pondered if scaling down the side of the building was possible before turning to pace the other direction. It definitely wasn’t. 

As Jeff worriedly paced his room, Criminal Minds played in the background. Reino had just barely avoided being hit, as he’d had to side step Jeff to close the blinds so there wouldn't be a glare on the tv. Now, he and Conor were splayed along Jeff’s bed eating a definitely-not-on-the-meal-plan pizza. 

Jeff's stomach growled, and Sam patted the spot on the bed next to him for Jeff to join them. He didn’t think he’d ate all day, but he quickly dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. He was worried if he ate something he might throw it up at the presser. 

“I’m good, thanks,” Jeff said, refusing the offered pizza for the fourth time. 

“Just one piece, Skinny, you need to eat,” Sam said. Having picked up a piece, he was now waving it at him. 

Scared grease was going to fling off the piece and onto his sheets, Jeff relented. 

“Okay, okay. Fine,” Jeff grumbled out. 

“Yay!” Sam and Conor cheered in unison as they made room for Jeff to join them on the bed. 

They ate in silence and watched as the BAU tracked down the killer. Jeff had seen the episode before, and let the familiarity of the case wash over him. It comforted him that even with so many things uncertain, some things remained the same. 

Sheary glanced at his phone, checking the time, before telling Jeff, “We really should get you dressed now.” 

Jeff rolled his eyes, like a petulant child, but he thought he might as well act like one if they were already treating him as such. 

“I’m gonna clean this up. Be right back,” Reino said, collect the pizza box and empty water bottles.  
Conor hopped off the bed, before grabbing one of Jeff’s hands. “Come on Skinny!” Conor laughed, “Don’t make me drag you.” 

“Fine,” Jeff gave in, laughing. “Let’s get this over with.” 

As they began to cross the short distance to Jeff’s closet, Conor’s phone rang. 

“Fuck, this is my agent, I gotta take this,” Sheary said, steeping into Jeff’s onsuite and closing the door behind him. 

Jeff knew there was only one reason why an agent would call this close to the deadline. It was an unpleasant thought, but he knew it to be true. Sheary was leaving. It was confirmed minutes later when Conor emerged, and said shakily, “ I, uhh, well. I’m going back to Pittsburgh.”

“Okay,” Jeff said, nodding in understanding. 

“I’m sorry to leave right now,” Conor said, with a grimacy, “But I gotta go pack, and, God, Jordan. I gotta tell her. She’ll probably be happy about it, actually, but still, I-”

“No, go. Go,” Jeff said, cutting him off. “Don’t feel bad. You need to do what's best for you.”

Jeff, who’d been so afraid to show any physical affection in fear it be taken the wrong way, let himself hug Conor without reservation. 

“Good luck Conor,” Jeff said, squeezing Conor extra tight. “And thanks, for today.” 

Sheary squeezed back before stepping back and releasing him. He gave a self deprecating laugh before telling Jeff, “I'm sorry about before, but I’m glad you know what I meant.”

Jeff gave a short laugh and nodded.

“Just, when you've been playing amongst the best for most of your professional career, it becomes clear real quick it doesn't matter what anyones sexaul preferences are, as long as they can pass the puck, or make the shot, they’re golden.” Conor gave Jeff a smile that was laced with just a bit of sadness. “Besides, the best I’ve played with have carried secrets just like you. It’s a heavy weight to carry, I know. I’ve seen the toll it takes.” 

Jeff’s mind briefly flickered to the rumor that had gone round after the Penguins had won their back to back cup in 2017, when word spread about a certain cup party and their two star players. Jeff had never given it much weight, but now it seemed more probable than ever. 

“Good luck in Pittsburgh,” Jeff said. 

“Text me if you need anything,” Sheary said, and with that, he was gone.  
Jeff heard muffled voices in the living room, and he was sure it was Conor telling everyone why he had to go. That was part of hockey. As much as it was a sport, it was also a business. One that would uproot a player and their family without a second thought. 

Jeff was going to miss him.

Reino rounded the corner a second later and informed him happily that “Jack’s on his way over now.” 

“I don't need a babysitter,'' Jeff mumbled. 

“He just wants to make sure you dont sneak out with Sheary,” Reino laughed. 

If only it was that easy.

“How could I with the body guards?” Jeff motioned to the living room. There, Johansson and Ristolainen were currently lounging on his couch, absentmindedly watching the Canes Islander game while guarding the door. Jack had brought in the puppy dogs to make Jeff comfortable, but hadn’t relied on it. He’d also brought in the guard dogs to make sure he didn’t flee. 

Jack was too smart for his own good. 

Sam shrugged. “You never know. People have been known to show incredible strength when under duress.”

“I'm not under duress.”

“Okay, Skinny,” Sam agreed easily. “Still, Jack’s on his way.”

All at once, Jeff felt suffocated. He knew everyone meant well, but he desperately wanted to be alone so he could catch his breath in peace. Glancing around the room, he said the first thing he could think of. 

“Can you get me some water, Sam?” Jeff asked, hoping that would grant him some alone time if only for a single minute. He appreciated their concern, really, he did, but it was making him even more nervous for the press conference. 

“Sure thing!” Reino said, walking back out of the door he’d just come in through.

Jeff laid back on his bed and closed his eyes. He just needed to get through tonight and everything would be fine. The first step was getting ready, so Jeff begrudgingly got up. 

Jeff stared at his closet, not knowing what to wear. He didnt have a rainbow shirt or leather pants or anything that screamed ‘I’m gay!’ like the world probably expected. He had an arrange of beige and grays mixed in with his Bills, Sabres, and Hurricanes stuff. He thought about calling Jonny Toews, begging him to just tell him what to wear, but he knew that was ridiculous. Jeff was a grown man. Still, that gave him an idea, so he swiped open his phone and went to pull up the video of Jonny’s own coming out presser. It had doubled as his captaincy announcement, but Jeff still thought it’d help. 

As soon as Jeff started the youtube video though, he got a call. 

Eric. 

Fuck. 

Should he answer? Jeff looked around the room, searching for an answer his clothes weren’t going to provide him. Logically, he knew he should answer, but he was afraid. 

Fuck, he should have warned him.

He was also pissed, though. The last time he’d seen Eric was before he’d closed his eyes that night before Eric had dipped out of their hotel room the next morning. 

Still, Jeff felt like maybe he should have told him what he was planning. 

But, it was too late now. Much too late, and now Jeff had to deal with the consequences. He was sure Eric was pissed. Livid even at how Jeff had completely blindsided him. Jeff wasn’t sure if he’d be able to take that right now, when everything about his life felt so fragile. Still, what if he wasn’t pissed. What if he was actually excited for Jeff and wanted to join him?

Ultimately, it was Reino who decided for him. With his phone ringing hot in his hand, Reino walked into his closet, a glass of (hopefully not tap) water in his outstretched hand. 

“Who’s that?” Reino asked, innocently, unaware of Jeff’s internal turmoil. 

Jeff, the secretive ass that he was, just stared at Sam with wide eyes. 

Sam, understanding Jeff’s predicament, rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me, Jeff, but, if you’re gonna answer it, you need to now before it goes to voicemail.” 

Without another thought, Jeff answered. 

“Hello?” Jeff said, his voice breaking on the word. He cringed. 

“Jeff?” Eric asked, uncertain. 

“Umm, yeah, it’s me.” Jeff wanted to bang his head against his mirror, but instead shook it. Of course it was him. 

“Oh, good. It’s Eric here.” Apparently, Eric was as good at this talking thing as Jeff was right now. 

“I figured,” Jeff said, a smile creeping up upon his lips. 

Eric laughed. “Yeah, well, I guess that was obvious. But, uhh, hey. We need to talk, yeah?” 

We need to talk. 

The most dreaded words in any language. It was the most lethal combination. 

After a brief pause of panic, Jeff forced a smile for Reino’s sake and agreed. “Yeah, of course. Here, let me. Hold on, I just gotta go into another room.” 

Jeff muted his phone and cradled it against his chest. 

“Want me to go?” Sam asked, curiously. 

“Nah,” Jeff said, dismissing the idea. “I’m just gonna step out on the balcony for a quick second.” 

Jeff left Sam in his closet, walked through his room, and went out on the balcony. He thought about sitting down, but figured this was a conversation best had standing. 

The irony that Jeff had to leave his own home to get some privacy didn’t escape him. 

Jeff took a deep breath and unmuted his phone. 

“Eric, you still there?” 

“Yeah, Still here.”

“Sorry about that. Eichel’s got me on lockdown with a bunch of the guys in my place. He’s worried about me ditching. The front office is making me do a press conference tonight.”

“Wow,” Eric breathed out. 

“Yeah,” Jeff agreed. 

“Uhh, about that. I read the article,” Eric said, and Jeff’s heart stopped.

“Yeah,” Jeff forced out, “I figured you had by now.” 

“Jordy had sent it to me, actually. I basically just found out.”

“Well, that’s not necessarily true,” Jeff reasoned. 

“You know what I mean,” Eric said, and Jeff did. He really did.

“Yeah,” Jeff cleared his throat. “I do.” 

Jeff waited for Eric to continue, but was left with silence. Curious, Jeff asked a question of his own. 

“It’s been out for hours and you just now saw it. How is that-”

“I was at morning skate. You know I-”

“Never have your phone on you at the rink. Yeah, I know,” Jeff said, finishing for him. 

“Yeah, well…” Jeff could hear Eric’s shrug. “Haley, man. What a woman. She did right by you.”

“Yeah,” Jeff agreed. “I know. She really did.” 

Silence crackled between the line, and Jeff pulled his phone back to make sure the call hadn’t been disconnected. It hadn’t. 

“So?” Jeff prompted. 

“You didn’t mention me,” Eric said, so low Jeff almost didn’t hear it. 

“No, of course not,” Jeff told him. “Well, I alluded to you, but that doesn’t really count.”

“Thank you for that,” Eric said, relieved, and something about it bothered Jeff. It was like Eric didn’t know if Jeff could be trusted. The idea bothered him. 

“Yeah, well, you know I’d never,” Jeff said, trying not to sound defensive. 

Laughter filled the other line, to Jeff’s surprise. “Jordy had said the same thing.” 

Jeff’s eyebrows raised, his surprise growing. That was more than interesting to hear.

“Can I just ask you…?” Eric didn’t finish the question. 

“What is it, Eric?” 

“Why?” Eric asked, simply. 

“Why what?” Jeff said, trying not to get frustrated. He understood the questions, but he’d thought with Eric he’d be past all that. 

“Why… why now? Why come out? You know.”

“I thought you said you’d read the article,” Jeff said, annoyed and more than a little defensive. He thought it was obvious why. 

“I did. Multiple times. I just, it wasn’t very clear why.”

“I literally spelled it out in the article. It was pretty fucking clear,” Jeff said, irritated. 

“I just,” Eric began softly, like he was finally sensing Jeff’s mood. Jeff didn’t let him finish the thought. 

He was strung out on emotions, and wasn't able to stop himself from what he said next. 

“You know what? Stop. Just stop. You want the truth? You want to know why? I called Haley in the hotel room where _you_ left me because I was so sick of it all. So fucking tired of lying every day and pretending to be something I’m not. You of all people should understand that. But, then again, I know you’re fine with it, with the hiding, but I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s exhausting. I wanted to scream from the roof tops that I’m fucking gay and that my heart belonged to you. The weight of that, I just couldn’t bear it anymore.” 

Jeff laughed, but felt nothing close to joy. 

“It’s funny, because if not for the article, you wouldn’t even be talking to me right now. This conversation wouldn’t be happening. That’s not your MO, is it? Dinners and silence in between. That’s more like it. It’s almost satisfying to break you out of that mold. But, how could I be satisfied when I’m the one you left all alone? You left _again_ and somehow you’d think it gets easier, you know, already done this before. Been there, done that. But it doesn’t get easier, it was worse. You left without a word, Eric, like I was nothing. Like I wasn’t worth a single look back. Couldn’t even spare me a second to say you were heading out. Walking out of my life again. I-”

“Jeff, it’s not like that, I-”

“No, it’s my turn to talk now. You lost your chance when you walked out the door. I did the article because I’m tired of being left behind, Eric. You said nothing would change, but you were wrong. You’ve always been wrong about this.”

Jeff’s chest heaved and his ears were ringing and he felt like he was teetering on the edge of something he wouldn’t be able to walk back. He tried to breathe in the cool night’s air to steady himself, but he felt there was no way back. He could only push on forward.

“Jeff, I-” Eric tried to speak again, but Jeff, furious with how the day’d played out and the general state of his life, wouldn’t let him get too far.

“This whole thing, it isn’t about you. It isn’t about us. It’s about me. That article is about me coming into who I truly am with no regard to the fears that have been holding me back. It’s insulting that you’d think I’d out you in it, when I’ve spent my entire adult life carrying the weight of both of our secrets. I’d never betray you like that.” 

“I know that, Jeff,” Eric reassured him. “Of course I do. I was scared, and-”

“That’s just it, Eric. You’re always scared, but you don’t have to be. I’ve done the worst thing that we had thought imaginable and I’m fine. Yeah, some shit sucks, but I know everything’s going to work out. I couldn’t say the same before.” 

“I’m just worried about you, Jeff,” Eric said, not rising to Jeff’s bait. “That’s why I called. Not about us, but you. This article, it isn’t like you. I just want to make sure you’re okay, I want to be here for you.”

Jeff laughed, almost manic now. 

“Really Eric? Really? Now you want that? No, that’s… I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not right now. I’m hurting Eric, really hurting, and that’s because of you. You have to know that. I’m tired of acting like I’m not heartbroken. I’m not pretending anymore. You hurt me, walking out again, and I don’t know how to cope with that or if I even can. That with the article, I just... need space. Time. With everything that's going on right now and… Well. This hasn’t been working, this thing between us, for years. Since you left it never has.”

“I know that, Jeff,” Eric said, sounding all too understanding. It only made Jeff angerier. 

“I had to make a change, do what’s best for me. That was my choice, the article. That was something I had to do, I don’t expect you to do the same.” 

“I'm sorry, Jeff,” Eric said after a pause, and Jeff deflated. All the animosity that had been fueling him abandoned him and Jeff felt like he was a strong breeze away from being swept into the atmosphere. 

Sorry for leaving? Sorry for not being the man Jeff needed? Sorry for throwing away everything they had? Sorry for what, Jeff wasn't sure, but he accepted it. 

“I am too,” Jeff said, sincerely, without a trace of bitterness. Jeff was sorry. He was sorry to see his great love affair in flames, with nothing but ash to remain. 

“I don't think we should speak for a while,” Jeff struggled to say. “I hope you can respect that.”

“Of course, Jeff. Whatever you need,” Eric said, and he was oh so understanding it made Jeff want to scream. He wasn’t even putting up a fight, was just resigned to this fate. Jeff knew he shouldn’t be mad that Eric was doing what he asked, but he’d hoped there’d be some kind of protest.

“Thank you,” Jeff said, resigned to the fate he’d always tried to escape. “Stay safe out there, Eric.”

“Good luck with the presser, Jeff.”

Jeff ended the call and sunk into the chair behind him. 

As he stared into the depths of a snowy sleepy downtown Buffalo, he wondered if there was a version of his life without Eric in it, and, if there was one, if he’d ever even want it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeff deserves all the love after all the emotional work he’s gone through this chapter! I’d say it gets better from here (it does) but it sure as hell doesn’t get easier. Strap in, folks! Angst is now in full force! 
> 
> For my Pop Punk Pat fans- Chapter 9 of PPP is when our Jeff’s story was originally introduced, so I included some tie-ins from that original chapter & story! I just gotta say, chapter 9s are a lot for Jeff. 
> 
> @SabresPR PLEASE post a pic of Jeff + Eric together!!! Please!!!  
> (I very much appreciated the Bills posts but PLEASE) 
> 
> Also, as a hockey fan I am thrilled that Eric has scored twice, but, as a person who’s writing this fic, the only thing I care about is his HAIR.
> 
> ***EDIT: When originally posted, I had incorrectly posted that this chapter took place in Raleigh, NC. It has been corrected to Buffalo, NY as the original location description had been a mistake.***


	10. Days With Nothing But Laughing Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jordan discovers a secret about his older brother— and a new teammate.

FEBRUARY 13, 2013  
RALEIGH, NC 

Jordan, and the rest of the Carolina Hurricanes, had just gotten home from a successful six game road trip last night, and he was tried as fuck. The condensed season was hell, and, after a little over a month into the new season, Jordan was already starting to feel the effects of it. At least they’d gotten nine points out of it, he reasoned, though that didn’t comfort his bruised, battered, and aching body. 

Being one of the new guys on the team during a shortened season was a lot, even if his brother was the captain. Jordan was still getting used to the team, which you’d think would be easy with them playing almost every other night, but it was harder than he’d thought it would be. When every regular season game mattered even more than a typical season, guys were more stressed about winning than planning a night out. And Jordan got that, he did. 

Still, through all the craziness that the new season had brought, Cam had made it abundantly clear to Jordan that he needed to look out for Eric. The first time Cam had warned him about this, Jordan had actually thought Cam was joking. Jordan had laughed it off, used to Eric being an overprotective brother that was constantly on the lookout for his brothers. Jordan thought Cam was making some kind of joke about that, but like the reverse. He wasn’t joking though. Cam made that point clear, when he repeatedly told Jordan to make sure to keep an eye out for Eric. 

He knew Cam was serious about the whole thing, each and every warning he said in that Cam way that he knew was supposed to mean something, but Jordan didn’t know what. 

Since when was Jordan supposed to look out for Eric? 

Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? 

Shouldn’t Cam be telling Eric he needed to look out for his younger better looking brother who was now with a new team? 

The fact that Cam wanted Jordan to be on constant vigilance on Eric’s behalf, when Eric was the captain, goal leader, and point leader for the team seemed odd to say the least. Especially coming from a Penguins squad where Jordan was just another face in the crowd, though a very noticeable face, while Sid and Geno led them all. 

It was definitely a change from Crosby and the Pens, but Jordan embraced it. He kept an eye out for Eric, tried to get to know his new teammates, and he played his heart out. 

Hell, he was kind of loving it so far. 

So, with Cam’s caution in mind, Jordan had decided to surprise Eric this morning. Though they’d just spent lots of time together on the road, Jordan thought it’d be nice to catch up just the two of them, as brothers rather than teammates, over breakfast. He was a little codependent, so what? 

They didn’t have to meet with the team until later in the day anyway. With so much travel and so many games in such a short amount of time, the team had been canceling practices left and right, so today they had the morning off before watching tape with the rest of the team. 

The sun was out, the weather was nice (compared to the cool February winters he’d spent in Pittsburgh), and their morning was free. It was basically the perfect combination for getting in a nice breakfast and hanging out with his best friend. 

It was with mornings like this in mind that Jordan had decided to come to Carolina in the first place. There was nothing like getting to be on the same NHL team as your brother. 

Jordan made his way up the driveway and to the door of Eric’s new house. It was nice, he thought, soaking in the front of the house. Jordan had been here before, obviously, but only a few times, since they spent most of their time at Jordan’s place. 

Eric had spent the entirety of the lock out here in Carolina house hunting and settling into his new house instead of making his way back up North, which was part of the reason Jordan was here now. He had missed him this past fall, still missed him after spending so much time together this last month. So, he did things like surprise him at his new house. Jordan still didn’t really understand why Eric had felt the need to get a different house, especially one that was smaller, but Eric had told him some bs about the other one being too big or lonely or some shit for one person before Jordan had simply agreed. It’s not like the new house was actually small or anything. 

When Jordan got to the front door, he let himself in without knocking. Eric had given him a key to his house when he’d first gotten to Carolina, and Jordan saw no need not to use it. Why else would Eric have given it to him if not to use it? 

Jordan dropped his keys, wallet, and phone down on the entryway table and wandered into the house. It smelled like coffee, so Jordan made his way to the kitchen to grab a cup. No need to wait until they arrived at whatever overpriced breakfast brunch place they were going to stop at for him to get some caffeine in him. 

It was when he was pulling a mug out of one of the cabinets that he first thought he heard something. Jordan quickly dismissed it as noise from the tv though, not considering it further as he poured himself a cup. 

It was the second thing he heard, something that sounded suspiciously like a moan, that made Jordan consider that maybe the first noise he heard wasn’t the tv. 

Holding his breath, Jordan waited intently for the next noise. He felt very dramatic doing so, but he strangely felt like he had suddenly walked into a place that wasn’t meant for him. Which was crazy, obviously, since he was always welcome at Eric’s place. They both had an open door policy when it came to family. 

“Fuck, Eric.” 

Was that… Jeff? It sounded a lot like Jeff, but it had also sounded, Jordan cringed to admit it even to himself, rather erotic, which placed it in the firmly not Jeff category. 

Jordan took a sip of coffee and waited. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know if he was interrupting something, or if he simply was imagining the too loud tv was his teammates. 

“That’s it, Jeff. That’s, fuck. That’s perfect,” Jordan overheard a muffled but obviously Eric voice say.

I guess that answered one of his questions. But—

What was Jeff doing here so early? And why did his brother’s voice sound like that? 

Confused, Jordan sipped his coffee and tried to reason with himself. 

Well, Jeff was always at Eric’s anytime he came around. Which was kind of weird now that Jordan thought about it. He’d never thought twice about it, never questioned it at all, but thinking about it, Jeff was here a lot. Like a lot a lot. It was like Jeff _lived_ here, but Jordan abandoned the idea as soon as it came. Jeff had his condo. A condo that he was never at, but still. 

Jordan couldn’t begin to act like he was an expert on how Jeff spent his time off the ice. It’s not like Jordan even really knew Jeff. He’d only started to get to know him last month. 

Jordan wanted to let go of the whole idea, maybe he hadn’t heard Jeff, or heard Eric say his name. Maybe Eric had said something completely different? Maybe Eric was on the phone? Jordan didn’t know, but he couldn’t shake it. 

Suddenly, Jordan realized he hadn’t seen Jeff’s car in the driveway, now that he thought about it. 

Maybe he didn’t hear him after all. Maybe his ears were playing tricks on him. 

On edge, Jordan put his cup in the sink and drifted closer to the stairs. Eric’s bedroom was on the second floor, and Jordan figured if he was going to hear something, he’d probably hear it better by the stairs than tucked into the kitchen. 

Head tilted and feet planted at the foot of the stairs, Jordan didn’t have to wait to hear something. It was so loud, Jordan was surprised he hadn’t heard it from the kitchen. It was this repetitive banging sound like something was banging into the wall repeatedly. That, combined with the moan like noise and the string of expletives he’d just overheard, and it sounded like they were—

No. That was impossible, Jordan thought. No way could they be—

“Like that, Jeff. Yeah, like that, baby. _God,_ I missed this,” Eric’s unmistakable voice said. 

_Baby?_

Oh. 

_Ohh._

Oh, fuck no. 

It didn’t just sound like they were fucking, they _were_ fucking. 

_Right now._

While Jordan was drinking coffee in the kitchen, Eric was getting his dick wet with none the wiser. 

Fuck!

Cam had warned him. He’d told him to watch Eric, but Jordan had been lax. He hadn’t even realized he’d been lax but holy fuck this had to be what Cam had been talking about. It was the reason why Jordan needed to watch out for Eric. 

Eric had a secret that he wasn't particularly good at hiding. 

Well, he was good at hiding it from some people, since a few minutes ago Jordan had no idea his brother was even interested in guys, but apparently not good at hiding it from people he actually saw on a regular basis. Cam knew Eric wasn’t good at hiding it, not when people got close enough, not when people spent enough time with them. 

Maybe it was just something impossible to hide. 

“Hey, Eric!” Jordan called out, not knowing what the fuck to do. He probably should have just left, left them to it, but he hadn’t thought of that before he’d said something. He’d just wanted them to stop. He didn’t want to hear… whatever it was they were doing. He especially didn’t want to walk in on that. Which, he probably was about to do, like an idiot, since he’d just announced he was here.

The noises Jordan refused to describe or even acknowledge any further blessedly came to a stop, and a tense silence quickly took its place. 

“Jordan?” Eric called out, his voice breaking on the name. 

“Yeah! I’m here!” Jordan yelled in confirmation. Please! Stop! Fucking! is what he wanted to yell, but he wasn’t a hundred percent sure that was what was happening still. 

Could that actually be happening?

“Fuck!” He heard someone, most likely Jeff but he wasn’t positive, yell, followed by a loud bang, like something, or someone, had just crashed onto the floor. 

Jordan climbed the stairs two at a time, wanting but also dreading the answers he was sure to find. 

It didn’t make any sense to him. His brother and Jeff having _sex_??? The idea seemed impossible. Completely preposterous. It was like something out of the bad fan fiction Jared would forward them sometimes to get a laugh, not his reality. And yet, he knew what he had heard. 

Jordan, quick with nerves, made his way down the hallway, and then swiftly rounded the doorway to Eric’s bedroom. As soon as he did, he instantly regretted it. 

Jeff, looking like he’d just slipped off Eric’s dick, was standing a few feet away from the door to Eric’s ensuite like he was just about to hide in the bathroom while Eric dealt with Jordan. With sweaty curls springing up in all directions, one of Eric’s Petes shirts on backward, and sweatpants that barely concealed his obvious hard on they were laying so low on his hips, Jordan wished he’d walked just a little bit slower and given Jeff the time he’d needed to hide. Jordan noted the full body blush Jeff was sporting with sympathy, before turning toward Eric.

Eric, still in bed, was propped against the headboard, sweaty, shirtless, and with a pillow over his dick. The only thing he wore was a lazy smile that he directed Jordan’s way. 

What the fuck?

He knew what he had heard, but seeing it was a whole other story. 

Honestly, if he wasn’t so shocked, he would have found the whole thing hilarious. 

“Hey?” Jordan said, uncertainly. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming over. What are you doing here?” Eric asked, seemingly unbothered. 

If it wasn’t for Jeff’s obvious unease, Jordan would have thought he was being punked. Eric, his apparently not-so-straight brother, was acting like it was just another day while having just been found basically naked in bed with their much younger freshly fucked looking teammate standing feet away. 

Jordan wasn’t certain he wasn’t still dreaming. Maybe he was in some crazy mid flight dream on the way home to Carolina? If only that was true. 

“Jeff’s here,” Jordan said like an absolute dumb ass. He was pretty sure everyone knew that.

“Yeah,” Eric agreed easily. “He was just giving me a ride…”

Jordan, currently unable to look at Eric’s pillow covered dick self, was watching Jeff as his eyes grew wide before they turned sharp as daggers Eric’s way. Jeff looked a mixture of shocked, annoyed, and, to Jordan’s profound dismay, aroused as he grew impossibly redder. 

“...to practice.” 

“Okay,” Jordan said, accepting the obvious lie easily. He didn’t even bother pointing out the fact that they weren’t supposed to meet with the team until this afternoon. Jordan was too stunned to say anything at all. 

He wasn’t sure what he found more mystifying, Jeff in bed with his brother or his brother’s reaction to being found out. Eric wasn’t someone Jordan would describe as cocky, and he’d spent enough time around him to know, but that’s the only possible way Jordan could describe him now. 

He thought Eric would be shoving Jeff the rest of the way into the ensuite and slamming the door in Jordan’s face, but, instead, he was just letting Jordan look his fill. Jordan didn’t know if it was denial or if it was like—

Oh. 

Like hockey. 

Like draft day or the season opener. Eric wasn’t a cocky person, but when he was scared or nervous, when he was really and truly faced with something he wasn’t sure would work out, he either overcompensated and acted like a cocksure asshat or fled. 

Jordan could guess which one he’d gone with here.

Eric was the embodiment of fake it ‘til you make it on steroids right now. It was the only explanation that made sense. 

Braving a glance at Eric, Jordan pushed on. 

“I just,” he began before having to pause and take in his surroundings again. 

Jeff. 

Eric.

Bed. 

He cleared his throat. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab breakfast.”

Eric sat up straighter, and Jordan rocked back on his heels, fearing for a moment he was going to see even more of his brother when Eric let the sheets around him pool at his hips. 

The pillow held secure though, thank fuck. 

“We were just having breakfast in bed,” Eric said, motioning to the nightstand between the bed and Jeff. Jordan hadn’t even noticed it. On the nightstand rested a tray with stacks of pancakes, orange juice, and what looked like a bottle of champagne. 

Oh. 

Mimosas. 

“I see that,” Jordan said, nodding. He didn’t know what else he could possibly say to that, he was too busy finally taking in the details that weren’t Jeff and Eric around the room. There were candles lit on the same nightstand, while the curtains were drawn, preventing the morning sun from shining into the room. 

And there were flowers. Flowers everywhere. Jordan didn’t know how he didn’t see them all before. There was a bouquet of pink roses, still wrapped in supermarket plasticing, laying across the nightstand dangerously close to the candles, snug between them and the pancakes. There were even more of them on the other nightstand, on the far side of the bedroom. What looked like two or three dozen traditional red roses were in a vase that sat upon the nightstand. Pineapple, some kind of melon —cantaloupe maybe?— and chocolate covered strawberries were plated in their shadow. 

“Yeah,” Eric interrupted Jordan’s wandering gaze and dawning realization. Jordan pried his eyes away from the stems of bitten off strawberries and turned toward his brother again.

“We’d be downstairs, but we’re just so tired from the road trip, you know? You must be exhausted too,” Eric said like that was the most natural thing to do. Like it was totally normal to have your teammate over for breakfast in bed after a road trip. 

“Yeah,” Jordan said, absentmindedly, stuck on the rose petals he saw littered on the floor. “That road trip was killer.” 

It had taken him a few minutes, but Jordan finally realized he was interrupting their Valentine’s Day celebration. Breakfast in bed. The candles. The roses. The _sex_. Even the damn date was a give away. It was the thirteenth of February, the day before Valentine’s Day. They were playing a home game against Toronto tomorrow before heading out on another road trip, so, Jordan assumed, this must have been the only time they could squeeze it in. He’d heard all the married guys talking about their plans on the plane ride home yesterday, but he hadn’t thought anything of it before coming over today. Why would he have? He’d thought Eric was single. 

Jordan felt even worse, instantly, for interrupting, and for stopping by at all this morning. He was obviously interrupting something important, something that Eric must have planned and prepared for, something that the two of them must have looked forward to. Jordan didn’t want his surprise visit to ruin it. 

He knew he needed to leave, but he couldn’t think of any way out of the disastrous conversation he’d found himself in. He racked his brain, but his mind was blank. 

Fuck!

Jordan wished his phone would ring or the doorbell would chime and give him an easy excuse, but apparently luck wasn’t on his side today. He thought about why he was here in the first place and what he could possibly do after this, when he finally found his excuse. 

“Well…” Jordan cleared his throat, again. “I’ll see you later. At the team meeting. Enjoy your breakfast,” Jordan said, still slightly stunned. It was the best he could do, and really, there wasn’t much more left to say.

“We will,” Eric said, with a curve of his lip and a gleam in his eyes.

Jordan wanted to roll his eyes at his ridiculously bold brother, but he was still too surprised to give in to the impulse. 

He turned to go, but stopped before leaving. He’d almost forgotten Jeff was there; he'd been so quiet. 

“Bye, Jeff,” Jordan said, as friendly as he could manage.

“Bye,” Jeff squeaked out before shrinking against the ensuite door frame. Maybe Jordan shouldn’t have said anything, but he couldn’t take it back now. Besides, wouldn’t it have been worse if he’d just acted like Jeff wasn’t there?

With nothing left to be said, Jordan left Eric’s bedroom, and, finally free, he fled as fast as he could. 

As he made his way back down the upstairs hallway, Jordan realized the second biggest mistake he’d made that day when he heard the beginnings of their muffled conversation. 

He’d forgotten to close Eric’s bedroom door in his haste to leave. 

God, he wished he’d remembered to close the door. He didn’t know if he could take any more surprises. 

“You gave him a key to our house!” Jeff half yelled half whispered, clearly dumbfounded. 

_Our???_

Before Jordan could freak out about that, he heard Eric say—

“He’s my brother!” 

“Yes,” Jeff agreed impatiently, before getting to his point. “But you didn’t tell me! If you had told me he had a key I would have made you make sure the deadbolt was on!” 

Jordan enjoyed the silence that followed, eager for the respite, and it wasn’t until he made it to the end of the hallway that he heard his brother speak again. This time, it was in a much softer tone. 

“I thought I had. Sorry, baby. I should have told you. Or asked you about it. It won’t happen again.” 

_Baby._

There was that word again.

Jordan wanted to be proud of his brother for being an emotionally mature adult and apologizing but he couldn’t get past the pet name. 

Gross. 

Jordan did _not_ want to hear any more. He didn’t think he could take it. 

He didn’t care that Eric liked guys. He was happy for him and Jeff, but he did _not_ want to hear his brother call anyone baby. Yuck. 

“He knows. He for sure knows,” Jeff said, sounding anxious. 

That’s for sure. Jordan nodded in agreement as he descended the stairs. 

“He doesn’t know anything,” Eric said.

Jordan rolled his eyes, but Eric continued talking, unaware of his brother’s silent show of disagreement. 

“Jeff, seriously. You’re being paranoid.” 

He was being realistic. Jordan wasn’t sure if Eric was saying that only to calm an obviously distressed Jeff down or because he actually believed it. Jordan had literally just caught him with his pants down. If he actually believed that Jordan wouldn’t realize they were fucking then… 

That must be part of it, Jordan realized abruptly. Eric didn’t _tell_ Cam anything. Cam had found out on his own, the same way he had. 

Jordan wondered how many other people knew their secret and were keeping it safe. 

Did everyone on the team know? 

Was it an open secret? 

Could anyone who spent more than a month with the two possibly not know? 

“I’m pretty sure Marc could see your dick from New York, so I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that Jordy could spot it in the same room.”

Jordan clamped a hand over his mouth before he let his laughter get the better of him. He stuck his other hand out and grabbed the stair railing just in case. He was laughing so hard he was shaking from it. 

God. To think that he would have described Jeff as _shy_ an hour ago only made him laugh harder. 

“Trust me, if he knew he would have said something,” Eric comforted Jeff. 

The overheard statement made Jordan pause again while on the last step. He didn’t know how he felt about that. 

Jordan wished that Eric had trusted him enough to have already told him this huge part of his life that he was obviously hiding, which clearly had been happening for some time if they were _living together_. Jordan thought he knew everything about Eric. He thought they told each other everything, but he’d been mistaken. Eric might know everything about him, but there were whole lives that Jordan didn’t know about Eric. 

_If he knew he would have said something._

Did Jordan seem like someone who found pleasure in catching someone red handed, or the kind of man who found joy in exposing a secret? 

Did his own brother think that poorly of him that an act so cruel was what was expected of him?

Or, did Eric mean that he saw Jordan as an honest person, one who would confront the truth head on when presented with it? 

Jordan didn’t know what to think.

He wondered if he had done something —said something— that made Eric think he couldn’t be trusted. 

Or, if maybe it wasn’t him. 

If maybe it had nothing to do with him. That maybe it was all Eric. 

Eric had always been so protective. Maybe he thought it was safer for himself and Jeff, and maybe safer for Jordan too, if no one but them knew their secret, since the weight of carrying a secret that huge was a burden to behold. 

But...

Now that Jordan knew, it seemed impossible that not everyone on the team already knew. 

At the same time, Jordan had to guess, their other teammates weren’t showing up at their house, and breaking in, in the early AM without their knowledge. 

Still…

Jordan shook his head, finally descended the last step, and continued walking again.

No matter what, Jordan found comfort in the fact that they, whoever they were that knew about Eric and Jeff, hadn’t told anyone about it. So far, they’d kept it to themselves. 

Yet, the thought could only comfort Jordan so much, before the glaring obvious reared its head. 

Jeff and Eric had no clue that this weight they were carrying was being shouldered by so many others. Cam, himself, and Jordan could only guess who else. 

They had no idea how many people supported them. 

How many people loved them. 

As Jordan made his way past the kitchen, stopping quickly to make sure the coffee pot, stove top, and oven were off, he thought that that must be the saddest part of this whole mess. That Eric and Jeff told no one because they were worried that their biggest fear would be realized. That they would lose everything and everyone if the truth were to be known. When in reality, the truth was already known, Jordan was sure of it, by so many, and their fear hadn’t been realized. Instead, their secret was known and accepted by so many, and they were completely unaware. 

“Now, come back to bed. I’m cold without you warming me up,” Eric said, interrupting his thoughts. 

Jordan gagged, and hurried to the front door. He didn’t know if he’d be able to handle another pet name or innuendo.

“But…” Jordan could hear the worry still laced in Jeff’s voice, and he wished he could reassure him that everything was okay. 

“It’s not like he’s coming back up here. Besides, it’s Valentine’s Day, I don’t want to spend it thinking about my brother,” Eric said, good naturedly. 

Jordan couldn’t agree more. 

He heard Jeff giggling the next second, finally at ease, and Jordan felt that everything was right in the world once again. That was a Jeff he recognized. 

“It’s the thirteenth, Eric,” Jeff weakly protested. 

“It doesn’t matter what the calendar says. Now come on, you gonna give me a ride to practice?”

“ERIC!” Jordan heard Jeff screech. “OH MY GOD! STOPPPPPP! I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU FOR THAT!” 

Jordan chuckled at Jeff’s reaction, which mirrored his own. He would prefer never to hear about what kind of rides Jeff was giving Eric ever again, but he couldn’t help but smile. It’d be impossible not to when he heard how happy his brother sounded, laughing his ass off without a care in the world. 

“I love you, sweetheart.”

It was the last thing Jordan overheard before he closed the door behind him. He locked the door with the key his brother had given him without his lover’s permission, and gave the handle a firm yank. It was best to make sure they wouldn’t be interrupted again.

Lost in thought, Jordan made his way down the driveway to his car. 

Things were changing all around him. He was living in a new city. Playing with a new team. Beginning a new season. Learning the truth about teammates, some new and some old. 

Yet, while everything was changing, so many things remained the same. He was still living in a hockey town. He still had a supportive team around him. He still had the best job in the world. He still loved his brother. 

He loved Eric. 

That would never change. 

So, it was with that in mind that he pulled out his phone and dialled Cam’s number. 

“Hello?” Cam answered on the fourth ring, while Jordan was unlocking his car.

“You wouldn’t believe what I just saw when I surprised Eric at his place this morning,” Jordan said, sliding into his car before putting his phone on speaker and placing it in a cup holder. 

“Well, actually, I doubt that’s true. I’m sure you can guess what I saw. Or, _who_ I saw.” 

Jordan let his words register as he clicked in his seat belt. He knew that Cam knew that he knew, and yet he still had no idea what Cam was going to say. If he even was going to say anything. 

“Let’s get breakfast?” Cam said, finally, while Jordan idled in their driveway. 

“I’d thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a very unique chapter, and it’s probably obvious as to why that is. It’s the only chapter not to be in Jeff or Eric’s perspective! I had a lot of fun (probably too much fun) writing this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed it! Jordan certainly did, or, rather, Eric _really_ enjoyed it, Jordan was more scarred by it, but you get the idea. ; )
> 
> And, before anyone tries to come for me...
> 
> If you find it hard to believe that Mr. No-One-Can-Know aka Mr. Our-Relationship-Must Stay-A Secret would move in with Jeff (and buy a house for them!!!) after only a few years of dating you are 100% mistaken. This is also the man who wanted to kiss Jeff so badly he risked it all by KISSING JEFF IN THE CAROLINA CAR PARK WITH ALL HIS TEAMMATES A FEW WALLS AWAY. Also the same man who got so hot watching Jeff with his Justin Bieber hair cut dance so white boy awkwardly that he DRAGGED JEFF OFF THE DANCE FLOOR TO TAKE HIM HOME WHILE ALL HIS TEAMMATES WATCHED. This man would do anything for Jeff and you know he’s the one who proposed they move in together. Said something about how it would be easier to keep their secret if they didn’t have to sneak into each others places and just had one place where they could safely be themselves and Jeff, scared if he showed how excited he was Eric would take it back, was just like ‘cool’ ‘sounds good’ ‘great idea’ while internally screaming. 
> 
> Anyway, thx for coming to my ted talk. X 
> 
> (Pssssssssssst… if you wanted to read a preview/first chapter of my next hockey fic ‘Kiss Cam’ you can now…)


End file.
